9/19/21
I like how R is really involved with Hunter and the birth. Like, we discuss things about Hunter’s future and he has opinions and he really seems to care (adjusting my hold during breastfeeding to more like what the lactation specialist showed us, setting up his crib and room and the house and everything, carrying everything, taking good care of us, just doing everything he can…) He was telling me the other day that he read that when you become a dad, your brain changes – like a dad’s brain is different from a single guy’s brain. I can see he’s changing. I know I must be changing too.
Just dropped phone on Hunter’s face by accident while trying to record a cute snore he was making. Felt so bad, kissed his head and apologized and stroked him. He didn’t even wake up though. My second mom fail I think (first one when I tried to clip his nails and clipped one way too short- it bled and he cried.)
9/21/21
Started crying today when I was in bed pumping milk on one side and feeding Hunter at same time on the other side, while R whisked all around me, getting things done, doing chores and activities and stuff for the house. I’m not used to being so still, inert. I wanted to be able to participate in all the same actions R was doing, to be physically able..but I was just “chained” to the bed in one position while Hunter fed for the longest time, and my neck was hurting. And it hurts my back sometimes too.
9/24/21
I never realized what lack of sleep will do to you, until I had the baby and am really suffering from lack of sleep (he wakes up like every 2 hours, to breastfeed- I haven’t slept a full night yet in over two weeks). The worst side effect from lack of sleep, for me, comes when it’s really late at night, and R is asleep upstairs (I’ve moved to the downstairs bedroom while I heal, so don’t have to go up and down the stairs). I think/or am afraid I see a figure standing in the dark open doorway, and that he’ll come and strangle me or kill me and Hunter in the bed or do something scary like that to us, cause we’re so vulnerable. And I think/am afraid some person’s face or a monster or an animal are going to suddenly appear right against the windows beside the bed, from out of the dark, make a huge thumping noise against the window. I also get this fear, while I’m feeding him in the half-dark, that Hunter’s face will suddenly change and he’ll look at me with possessed eyes and try to like, kill me or claw my eyes out or something (he’s really strong for a baby, and his nails are long/grow fast). I never used to get fears like these, or think along these lines at all, until I didn’t sleep enough. Never realized how precious and just essential sleep is, until it’s getting away from me every night now. Sometimes I’m so afraid that I think I’ll get nightmares, but thankfully, haven’t had any nightmares yet, just regular dreams. I don’t like sleeping so far away from R – I like sleeping upstairs in the bedroom closer to him. I miss him. I used to massage him every night and we’d talk before bed, but for the past two weeks, because of baby needing round-the-clock care, we haven’t had time for this ritual.
9/25/21
i told R how i was scared and missed sleeping closer to him. so tonight he started sleeping on the couch, downstairs with me. i said he didn’t have to, but he still did. it was one of the best moments of the day. and I wasn’t scared anymore, last night, cause I knew he was close by.
I feel like I got more of my sweet tooth back lately, since Hunter’s been born. Been craving fruits like grapes, watermelon, apple juice…any juicy sweet stuff, and want more desserts like ice cream and milkshakes and sweet snacks. Wonder how much is physiological and how much is just trying to comfort myself after a long and exhausting labor, and maybe some of it is also due to lack of sleep- I read if you don’t sleep enough, you crave more sugar.
9/26/21
(4:12 am) i’m pretty sure if you can’t find a metronome, an electric breast pump could work in its place.
Marriage Journal 