9/6/21
woke up early around 6 to pee, saw a little pink. R heard me come back to my bed (our rooms are really close, facing each other, and we keep our doors open when we sleep though we never outright talked about doing so, which I think is sweet) and asked if i was ok and i was, but he came to my room anyway and held me and slept, while i lay there both calm and excited (i haven’t seen any pink or blood at all in my undies for months and months). when we were laying there, i would smile to myself in the dark when i felt a contraction or baby moving. also my legs trembled and shook a little, like they sometimes do after sex, even though all we were doing was laying there with R snoring in my ear. The tremblings felt good.
thoughts in bed:
birth is like death in that: it’s a physically all-encompassing experience, and during it, you don’t know what’s going to happen next.
this might be the easy part: “just stay out of my way and let me be born,” Hunter says. the hard part i think is being responsible for him and caring for him after he’s out.
***
Around 8 am, saw pink drip out again, one drop on the bathroom floor. went for like one-hour walk through the forest, was warm (not hot) and humid out, beautiful, green, solitary, felt thankful. thank you for this baby. Thank you for my life. Thank you for this nextdoor forest, thank you for my favorite weather. now and then chuckling to myself how funny if I go into labor on Labor Day. he was moving so much, and felt really low during the walk. The walk felt really good. The sun came out during the second half, along with the rise and fall crescendo of swells of cicadas that I couldn’t see, that sang to me all the way home. Also got this idea while on the path, of Hunter running ahead of me, leading the way, and I’m just following his lead. I could almost see him, running ahead. I tried to forsee his features, what he’ll look like, but couldn’t – all I know is he will be a little boy with dark hair.
Heard while walking, just starting out, someone/some entity say to me: “I’m about to take such good care of you.” Felt it too.
9/7/21
today when I peed in the morning, there was blood – not thick and undiluted- but it looked redder than yesterday. after that, pink gushes again, and intermittent, random contractions.
a funny thing that keeps making me laugh: yesterday coming back from the beach- LBI, we were passing this farm market (I think called Red Top?) and R was like, “wanna stop by here? get something? they have plants…” and I was just like “…..” saying nothing as we passed, and at the last second he did like a hand-over-hand turn before we passed it, and pulled into the parking lot, and I hadn’t even responded. He got: two huge pumpkins to put on our front porch, a peach pie (I wanted), banana bread (I wanted), two chili pepper plants for our porch, fresh mozzarella (we both wanted), and a black cherry soda that was really good. He seemed excited shopping there, while I was kinda indifferent about it. Afterwards told me he passes it when he works by the beach and had always wanted to stop there, but never did yet, which allowed me to then understand his funny behavior.
5:50 pm: I wouldn’t say I’m in Early Labor, but it feels like it’s early Early Labor. I’ve had contractions all day long, though they are not like 5 minutes apart/1 min long each/for an hour straight (the 5-1-1 rule they told me to look for before coming in).
9/8/21
woke at 2 am w contractions and having to pee. paced around room a little afterwards, w contractions, tried out some different positions.
9/10/21
* Hunter is born *
9/13/21
It’s so weird when you’re taking care of a baby who looks like you. It’s like you’re taking care… of yourself. Like you’re watching yourself live your life over again, from the beginning.
picking him up and putting him down so softly. checking in on him constantly, like he might fade away. naturally hushed speaking in his presence, as if he’s a dream we don’t want to wake up from.
9/14/21
Four days after I give birth, I feel like banging my husband, I still feel so attracted to him, and have not lost any of that with the birth. The only problem is I’m still passing blood clots the size of ping-pong balls and I have to wait until my six-week postpartum checkup, but mentally, I’m ready.
9/15/21
i used to measure my days by what I did at work or how much I accomplished, now I measure them by how big he’s growing, what he’s doing, if he’s OK.
I kept thinking this leading up to his birth: how could we spend so much time, and care, and energy, and food, and worry, and resources growing and raising our babies, so long, so much investment…only to have war and have tons of pain-stakingly-formed humans wiped out needlessly in a second? How could we do that to ourselves, as a species?
9/17/21
A few days ago, we were just looking at him laying on the bed between us, and I said, “I kind of wish he would grow up fast so he can protect himself. he’s so helpless right now.” And R said, “I’ll protect him.”
***
This morning went to the bathroom one-handed for the first time, holding the baby, because I knew if I put him down, he would cry.
9/18/21
The birth was slightly traumatic/had a flavor of trauma to it, for me, more than I expected. I kind of expected…it to be easier. and less…painful/uncomfortable. But what really happened was: on Monday- Labor Day- saw some blood in the morning, but felt good, even slightly ecstatic, thinking he was coming soon. Went for walk in the woods by myself- beautiful, early morning- knowing the time was nearing. But when we drove to the beach later that day, almost there, my contractions got so uncomfortable (riding in a bumpy car seemed to make them worse) I told R could we just take a pic by the water and go back home, as I didn’t want to go into labor far from home and from the hospital. BUT, when we got out of the car and walked, the contractions were relieved, and we stayed at the beach for longer. Next day, Tuesday, I had a doctors appt. and felt uncomfortable during the car ride, but could still “stand it” and act like a normal person. By Wed. morning, I called out of work– early morning and all day that day, felt too uncomfortable to be able to work. Spent the day in a kind of pain-daze – R stayed home and helped me through- breathing with me, pushing on my back, staying with me and everything. We walked around the backyard together, slowly, breathing, me having to stop sometimes with the contractions. When a contraction would come, I could only hunch over/grab something tight/breathe through it and experience the pain for as long as it lasted; it seemed there was no other way but through it for each one. R kept trying to get me to eat, but I’d totally lost my appetite; I would take one tiny bite of whatever he offered, just to appease him. Later in the day I got in the bathtub of warm water, and it brought me so much relief I wanted to stay in there forever. I must have been in there for hours, hours. I kind of lost track of time, but stayed for as long as possible until I realized I could not fall asleep in there for the night, and got out, fingertips all shrivelly, and tried to go to bed, but the contractions kept me from sleeping. Late that night I called the midwives, asking if there was something I could take for the pain, like Tylenol. They said I could try. I had no drugs but R found an expired bottle (I think 2018) of generic acetominophen he had, and I took one (which says something about my level of discomfort bc I normally avoid drugs at all costs), but it didn’t do anything to relieve the pain and help me sleep- so it was a sleepless night, and I still could hardly eat, since Wednesday. So on Thursday morning, I decided we should go to the hospital, as R had been suggesting since the day before. I now felt the contractions were too strong that if I waited any longer, I wouldn’t survive the car ride (45 min) to the hospital. I told R to not rush the drive, to just go smooth and slow. When we got there, I think they measured me at 3-4 cm dilated. They offered me to soak in the tub, which I gladly tried, as being in the bathtub had helped enormously the day before. But today, it didn’t help…I was disappointed and in a kind of slow agonizing pain. My attending midwife, Waverly, came to sit by the tub and talk with me. I told her how the warm water had worked before, but not now. She said it’s more likely to work in early labor and less likely in the later stages. I asked her if she had any advice for me, to make it easier. She said unfortunately no because my breathing technique was already good. She offered just that when labor seemed unbearable, that was usually the shortest period of it and an indication that the end was near. I nodded, and felt a little afraid of what was coming…she brought up using Pitocin to speed the labor along. I hesitated because I had originally wanted to be completely drug-free during the birth. I asked about the membrane sweep they’d suggested at my last doc appt, but Waverly said that’s usually done to get me to the point where I was now. I was like “oh” and was in such a slow kind of agonizing discomfort, that eventually I said Yes to the Pitocin just to be free of my current state more quickly – the pain made me a little desperate. She noted that it could speed things up or it might not affect me and still take 12 more hours. So. But they started me on some Pitocin through IV and it worked like immediately – the contractions got almost unbearable in that I was getting no “break” to rest in between them—they were one on top of the other, and a nurse came in and said she would adjust the amount so that they wouldn’t be so harsh. This whole time, R had been massaging me, my back, at my side, he never left. I was pushing for 4 1/2 hours (I thought someone said 6 hours, then heard 4, idk, I lost track of time because in a heavy daze of pain). But the only meds I took were the Pitocin (a form of oxytocin) to speed the labor and Benadryl to help me rest and reduce swelling in cervix (midwife said cervix was swollen before I started pushing). Labor was all-encompassing; all I could think during it was “don’t clench your teeth” (and over and over I would touch my tongue to the roof of my mouth as Supriya had taught us in our class, to not clench my teeth) and to breathe in and out – that’s all I could focus on during the contractions, they were so overwhelming. They were like waves, but not happy beach waves, they were like…body-rocking waves of extreme discomfort. I had read to imagine yourself riding on top of a wave with each contraction, so I tried imagining this- that I was floating slightly above an ocean wave and not caught inside of it- but it didn’t seem to help. My legs shook involuntarily. There was a bed rail on the bed with handles for gripping, and in my normal state with germaphobe tendencies, I would not have touched it, but during labor I reached out and gripped it over and over again with all my might, just to help me get through. And I think I could never again re-create the sounds I was making when I was in labor, unless I was ever in labor again. They were just primal/pain/pure…there were so many things my body was doing that my mind could not control. I forget a lot that happened, but the midwives were great, gentle, knowledgeable, coaching me into different positions, helping me time the pushes. My water broke halfway or maybe 3/4 of the way through – I only know because the midwives exclaimed when it happened – I didn’t feel anything inside, just a sudden warm gushing on my thighs, and I heard them say it was clear. I pooed twice and I know R saw it, but it was when they were SPECIFICALLY coaching me to “push just how you push when you poo,” they kept saying that – so that’s what I did, and that’s what happened, it seemed logical, and wasn’t a big deal relative to the bigger picture that was happening, and I was too distracted to care. I asked R about it afterwards and he said they weren’t gross poos- I think they were little ones. I think they used a catheter on me twice: once when his progress down was really slow, they thought maybe my bladder was blocking the way, and they got a lot of pee out; and then once more after he was born, I think just so I didn’t have to get up to pee after all that labor. It didn’t hurt at the time they did it, but a week later, I think I’m sore from it. After a few hours of pushing, Waverly told me they had a rule that if someone is pushing more than 2 hours, they have to inform the doctor, so she went and did, and made a comment like, “if you really want to impress the doctor, push him out a little further so he sees you’re almost there” and some part of me always wants to please and impress, and I tried my hardest, and by the time the doctor got there (loudly complaining he hit a deer on the way), I was on my back with my legs open and he just tilted his head to look from afar and was like, “Oh, I didn’t have to come here for that- he’s almost out” and said to me, “you’ll have a baby before the night’s over” and that gave me more confidence/a feeling like there was light at the end of this tunnel. In my pain/focused state though, I could only whisper or nod or shake my head- it seemed the more intense it got, the more of my voice I lost. I whispered “ok thank you” to him or something. Maybe a half hour after the doctor visited (but I could be totally off, my sense of time was skewed at that point), I pushed Hunter out. On his way out, Waverly asked if I wanted a mirror so I could see his head and be more motivated, but I had heard them talking about how much hair he had and showing R his head and R saying wow he could see it, and I wanted to stay focused and not change my body position, and the thought of seeing/touching a hairy head emerging from between my legs grossed me out a little, so I said, “No it’s ok, I believe you” and got a chuckle from the room for that response, for some reason. During the pushes at the end, I felt Waverly squirting warm water/oil onto me each time, and stretching me in a “U” motion with her fingers, so I wouldn’t tear. She was really soaking me each time, it felt good, and I think they had to change the absorbent pad underneath me a lot. I also noticed near the end, more nurses coming into the room and setting up the weighing station and stuff, and that kind of encouraged me too- it seemed like they were all preparing for baby’s arrival, so I assumed it meant I was close. I could feel his head like at my opening at some point, and it was an uncomfortable feeling like something was stuck there that wasn’t supposed to be stuck there, and I wanted to push it out, so I pushed a little more frequently at that point, and I didn’t even really feel it, but suddenly he was all out and they brought him up to me saying, “here’s your baby.” I looked at him; it was the first time, I never saw a face like that before. I wasn’t sure if he was really mine. I was shocked and didn’t recognize anything in his face at first. But as each day passes, I recognize him more and more. More and more, he seems mine.
While I was still holding him, Waverly asked me to push some more to deliver the placenta, which was nothing compared to pushing out Hunter. I heard Brie (a midwife-in-training I think, who had been there the whole time and was great) saying it was a beautiful placenta (i just quickly glanced at it, was kind of afraid to look, they’d put it in what looked to me like the bottom half of a plastic food storage container), and did I want to take it home (i said no). I heard Brie explaining to R how to cut the cord, and joking with R he should be awarded a masseuse certificate (he never stopped massaging me for all those hours). And then Waverly and Brie sitting in front of my pussy and Waverly stretching my lips back, pointing out something to Brie saying, “that will heal on its own” and that I didn’t need stitches or anything, which I was really grateful for and attributed to all of Waverly’s stretching and continuous warm-water-squirting. Also R told me later that the cord had been wrapped around baby’s neck when he was coming out, and he was glad i didn’t try to deliver at home with just us (an option I’d been considering), because he wouldn’t have known what to do.
After everything was quieter later, Bernadette, one of the midwives, came to check on us and asked me what was the hardest part, and I told her it actually wasn’t the labor, because the labor/pushing had purpose – I felt it was bringing me to some end point. The hardest part for me were the contractions before the pushing, bc they just felt like slow torture/suffering with nothing I could do about it.
The stay at Elmer Hospital maternity ward (NJ) was actually amazing though – everyone was so…nice, and accommodating, and knew what they were doing and took care of us, AND it included room service- food brought to us any time we called (my appetite came back really soon after the birth)- I didn’t know it would be like that – me and R were saying it was almost like a mini-vacation, staying there. Hunter was born at 2 in the morning on Friday, and we left later in the day on Saturday.
***
We changed overnight. We’re not who we were before. Just like, in the span of a week. We became parents, we gave a human a name, chosen by ourselves, that he will have the rest of his life. it’s overwhelming, and made more overwhelming from lack of sleep from the crying baby. I see now why the lady from the hospital, before she turned to go after helping us strap in the car seat, said so seriously, “call if you need anything, you’re not alone.” it seemed an overly dramatic sentiment to me at the time, in the happy sunlight of late afternoon in the wide quiet parking lot after everything was “over,” but now I see she just knew what she was talking about. I can see why, now, she would say that to us as parting words.
I think as long as we change together, it’s OK. It’ll be ok. Change with me, my love. Don’t leave me alone.
***
Tonight, we were all on the couch, watching Glow Up, with Hunter on my lap. R said what I had just thought a few minutes ago. He said, “He’s going to grow up really fast.” (my exact thought a few minutes ago was, “things are going to go really fast now.”). I said, “yeah.” R said, “We still have to do stuff, just you and me. We can’t forget about us.”
Marriage Journal 