8/22/21
I do feel a little different. Sometimes, for the past few days, I feel a feeling in my low abs that is similar to when my period is about to start. They’re very light- pretty light- and then they go away. At my ultrasound on Friday, she said it could happen any day now. It kinda shocked me when she said that…but I guess it’s true.
8/23/21
Last night buying some food with R at whole foods – stopped there between moving from parents house (after staying there the past 7 months), and driving to our new house to stay permanently—I started crying in the potato chip aisle, I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I know the baby’s coming soon—I don’t know what he’ll be like, if there will be huge problems associated, if I’ll be a good mom. I love R with all my heart and am committed to him, but my parents, over the span of my entire lifetime, have proved themselves trustworthy to me, and where I am headed: a new house, deeper into my first marriage, about to meet my first baby – all these things are still unproven/unknown to me, are still mysteries, and I don’t know what will happen with them, and I felt scared because of this- all these new mysteries at once, so I cried. When we got to the house, after I helped R unpack, I went upstairs to my new bedroom and shut the door, and cried more, in the dark.
8/25/21
R said something really cute last night. we were opening chinese restaurant fortune cookies, and one said, “You will be lucky in love” and after he read it aloud he said, “That’s why I never win the lottery tickets I buy.” I was confused – I thought he was connecting the lottery with love and being sarcastic, so I was like, “You win sometimes!” But he was like “No, I don’t win them, cause when you’re lucky in love, you’re unlucky in other areas.” hehe.
Also when he got home last night, he kept saying we should go on a walk, and after dinner we finally did, and held hands the whole time, and it was so nice. Our first walk around our new neighborhood. The moon was amazing – out-of-proportion full, like in the movies.
I was thinking maybe babies come out because they’re tired of you balancing your bowls and plates on top of them, using them as table tops to eat off of.
8/26/21
There’s so much time and mind space for fear and doubt to take over. You have to believe you’re going towards something great, like before you met Rodrigo- you had that feeling – that faith- that strange surety that even though things are hard and chaotic at present, that you’re being led towards …bliss. And it happened, with him: before I even met him, I felt that feeling like I was being led, and I did- I met him. It could happen again. Always anticipate magic.
I’m afraid I’m never going to feel “settled” again. because even though I know there will be an end to putting things where they need to be in the house (we just moved to new house), the baby is also coming, and that kind of never ends, right? I feel like I’m going from task to task, with no end in sight.
8/28/21
i wish i could have a picture of this, of how he fell asleep tonight: we were entwined facing each other on our sides, his mouth on my forehead, and he reached down and spread his big hand on my belly, over his son about to be born, and fell asleep. i never thought i wd be here, 9 months pregnant, in what feels like mutual love, with a husband – my husband. but i’m here. and the night, finally, was so cool and quiet around our house- our house, just us- only crickets, and the occasional passing car.
Marriage Journal 