5/23/21
the past week, this new funny feeling. It doesn’t feel good, but it’s not bad – just weird/uncomfortable. It’s hard to describe – it’s like I’m even more filled with fluid/blood than I was before. At random times, even while just sitting down, the feeling like blood rushing to the head when you stand up too fast, though I haven’t made any movement. I guess lightheadedness is what it is. At the ultrasound last month, when I was lying on my back, the technician mentioned to let her know if I felt lightheaded cause she knew it was common around this time, and at the time she said it, I had no idea what she was talking about- I felt fine (and lucky I’d escaped whatever she was talking about). But I think I know now. It doesn’t take much for this feeling to come; it comes when I’m just sitting not doing much, and goes right up to the point of almost-nausea, but I wouldn’t call it nausea. Just almost-nausea, and weird off-balance feeling.
Also, I feel like in the last two days, my belly/lower abdomen area hit a growth spurt, because multiple different underwears around the hips started feeling too tight, even when I pull them down as low as possible while still wearing them, which wasn’t the case before. I think I’m just puffing out more around this whole area, tho I feel like my arms and legs and everything else is pretty much the same size as ever. Just whole belly+thighs area. It’s even getting uncomfortable to sit normally like I always did (cross legged on a bed or on the floor, just sitting in a fucking chair or on the couch)….it just feels best to lay down and stretch out sometimes.
Still feeling baby move every day, at random times. It seemed like this weekend, it was whenever I got hungry. Me and R pretended he was kicking me saying, “feed me!” and we were laughing.
I think I’ve never before in my life…felt so entitled to…take up space. Because for me alone, I wouldn’t do it, holding the logic of “it’s just me – it’s not worth it.” But now…I’m carrying this other person, so it feels like: “I’m going to take up as much space as I need for us.” I feel different. I walk and stand with my hands on my hips more I think. Not in a bad attitude way- I think in a …just “allow me my space” way. And it feels right. I never imagined I would move through life like this, with this changed attitude. but there’s just this new feeling of: if you’re taking care of somebody, they need their space, and you need space to care for them.
Lately, feel myself doing everything (I mean physically) more slowly. idk. I just feel like I’m moving underwater sometimes, like it’s hard to haul my whole body places. I think it’s just the extra weight that’s making me feel this way. It’s just a little annoying to me though, because my mind still moves fast as ever…it’s just my body that’s slower. R asked if I’ll feel like a big weight has lifted off me after I have the baby, and I said I didn’t think so, cause it took 9 months to gain it all, so it’ll probably be lost gradually too, rather than instantly.
5/25/21
This morning, dreamt that I looked down and knew/felt that baby was about to push some body parts against my stomach so that the shape of them jutted out, and I wondered which ones they would be (elbow? face? foot?) before he did. The first push, it was one hand and the first half of his penis, I saw the shapes clearly defined rising out of my skin. The second push, it was the other hand (or maybe one foot). That’s all I remember. It was cool, and weird. I never had a dream like that. My belly skin was thin and elastic like Stretch Armstrong.
5/26/21
Heard in my head while walking this morning: With every passing moment, you must get braver. And you must learn how to relax DESPITE. Meaning: learn to relax despite pain, relax despite irritation, relax despite distractions, relax despite discomfort, relax despite fear. (Did I ever in my life have this skill? It seems not, because I never consciously tried attaining it, until now. Now I feel like this is a mandatory skill I need to attain and perfect, to prepare for his birth day.)
“If you find yourself holding your breath, reduce your load ASAP. Breathing incorrectly can increase your blood pressure and decrease the flow of blood to your baby.” -5 Easy and Safe Pregnancy Exercises’ article on Parents.com
Marriage Journal 