5/3/21
feel especially good today and have more energy than usual after waking up, not sure why bc went to sleep pretty late last night (after midnight/1). Possible reasons: just pregnancy hormones? got sunlight and ate like all day and every thing I wanted yesterday, PLUS napped when I wanted (had a lazy Sunday)? Bc I went to house later in the day and actually did something (helped R put nematodes on lawn and it was hard work and also got allergic reaction on way home, I think it was to pollen, and the aftermath of feeling bad/such an allergic reaction is feeling a lot better, kind of like how it is ecstatic relief to rest between contractions?) Cloudy today, so don’t have to deal with harsh bright light? A combination of these factors?
I think I felt him for the first time today, moving inside me. the other times, I wasn’t sure…the other times, it felt like something heavy just sloshing around in response to my OWN body’s movements. But today, around 6:35 pm, just after I ate some salad with pieces of fried chicken and honey mustard dressing, I laid down on my right side on my bed while checking Instagram/texting R. So I was still, yet I felt…I felt movement. It wasn’t a harsh jab kind of feeling. It was more like something tumbling there. My stomach moving on its own, from the inside. I put my hand to my skin there and felt it a few more times. Little “jumps” on my left side, pretty low- like where the ovaries are- when I was feeling it, my fingers almost touched my pubic bone. Was so fucking amazed…just laid there with my mouth open staring at the ceiling waiting for more from him. I wonder what he’s doing in there…it seems like he’s just spinning around lol. I sat up and thought maybe to lie on my left side because they say that’s the best side for blood flow, but I didn’t feel like it and just laid back down on my right side, waiting for more and more movement from him. But it only seemed to last like a minute or less…then I gave up and stood back up and went on with my day.
Prayer that emerged from me shortly after: You’ll be your own person, even though you came from my body. I’ll let you be whoever you are. Whoever you are. I’ll love you no matter how different you are from me. Teach me. Welcome.
5/4/21
if a baby is a claustrophobic person, do you think he tries to get born earlier? to get out? what if all miscarriages/preemies are just claustrophobic ppl?
5/6/21
still having vivid food dreams. This afternoon dreamt of eating a cereal like Pops or Honeycomb (cereals i ate as a kid).
R just called me on the way home from work tonight, he was falling asleep driving to our house cause he was so tired. We talked about how I just read you can put the baby on moss with no diapers and that will soak up pee and prevent diaper rash cause no diapers. I said I was shopping for moss, he said okay we can do that and we were laughing. We talked about what we did today, how I dreamed of cereal when I took a nap. He worked far away in Florham NJ again. How mom asked me what I wanted to eat and I told her exactly (tortellini with pesto sauce and veggies, and also cereal and milk) and she and dad went out to Trader Joe’s to get it for me. He laughed and said he was glad they’re so nice to me. Yeah me too I said. We talked for a while about everything, for like 15 minutes, then he said he was okay now and almost at the house. I thought it was cute that he called me when he was tired…I like to help him.
5/7/21
last night, R came home from work, and we were getting our dinner in the kitchen, and he said, “Do you like the name Harry?” I said “mmyeah.” and he said, “Harry Paxton Lau-Reis. That’s his name then, it’s settled.” lol. It sounded to me tho like he was just tired of wondering about what the name will be and just wanted to choose something to get it over with. I’m not tired of searching yet…though the length of the lists of names is daunting. I want to find one that really clicks with me.
5/8/21
“A mass divestment from what harms us.” – Thenjiwe McHarris, Movement for Black Lives
Marriage Journal 