4/26/21
“My doula told me, ‘Let’s prepare in our minds for the level of pain we’re expecting and double that and see what we would want to do if that happens.'” -Jamie-Lynn Sigler
still having random wet gushes daily, and sometimes when I smell the crotch of the undie before tossing into the hamper, I think it smells delicious. It smells good. I think my body has never produced this much clear liquid before.
4/27/21
pretty horny all the time now, even more than R is, it seems. but I’m afraid that…once the baby comes, any damage/soreness down there that needs to heal, paired with psychological and hormonal changes of transitioning into parent role, paired with baby sucking at my breast, paired with sleep deprivation and worries, paired with who knows what else, that I won’t feel like having sex or sexual until I’m at “peace” and feel “normal” again. I can almost see this happening already, before it even happens. I don’t know how I would mitigate this, or if I even should—like if it’s just inevitable / a phase that needs to happen. I just don’t like the idea of our sex drives getting drastically out of sync, because they’ve never been that way before.
for a second tonight in the shower, on the way bending down, before I reached full squat and subsequently felt the heaviness of the baby ricocheting within me, I remembered what it felt like to be me – the 15-pounds-lighter-how-i-always-was me, light airy me how I always was. It was just a second, but I remembered and I felt it, and I thought: “this isn’t going to last forever. this is just a passing phase.” I thought even: “enjoy these brief months of heaviness and strangeness and out-of-character, because you’re going right back to how you were, and then you might look back on this phase with longing, as if it went by too fast.” Be in every moment, and thank God for it.
4/28/21
“I know I should be afraid, but the fear is just not coming.” – belle hart, Mating Wolves 1
5/1/21
I feel kind of lucky that I can still cut (and still see) my toenails myself. it’s a bit of a strain and I’m sticking my knees out and twisting my foot in, but I can still do it. I think I would hate for someone else to have to do my personal grooming for me.
Marriage Journal 