2/8/21
Kind of nice not to worry about getting period at all. Pulling on white undies all the time with no worries.
I feel like a lot of nights, I’m trying to fall asleep as fast as possible before I have to pee again, because the windows between pee’s are getting shorter and shorter.
ate a lot of carbs this week: pasta, rice, bagels, crackers, bread. Also meat and cheese. Some veggies. A little fruit. Not craving chocolate or desserts really. just seems like carbs and protein are what I mostly want. and lemonade and orange juice have been a constant comfort drink since the beginning.
“We’re being asked to sit in an unknown place for an extended time” – 2/8 email from The Shift Network
2/9/21
think I had a miscarriage dream last night: I was pregnant like IRL, and I just remember a meat thermometer, in the dream, came out of my vagina, and it was covered in blood, and apparently I had…stuck it up there a few weeks ago and forgotten to take it out? so it just suddenly came out, but everything was blood-spattered: the thermometer, my inner thighs, my undies. They were even maybe white undies, so it looked more dramatic. I was trying to figure out if it was my fault I think – the miscarriage – for leaving a thermometer up there and forgetting to take it out (I felt like it was my fault). I wondered if it was really a miscarriage/if it was going to cause a miscarriage/how much damage I did, because I did not feel pain or contractions or see anything like a fetus come out after the thermometer—I was just worried that it might happen though, or that I’d ruined everything- all our (very recent but unprecedented) plans – because there was a lot of blood and there’s not supposed to be all that blood when you’re pregnant. I think I showed Rodrigo all the blood. I don’t remember any reaction from him if he had one; I think I was more upset than him, or the dream was more about me than him. I was surprised that I was not relieved in the dream; I was kind of disappointed I think, that we weren’t going to have a baby anymore. I even dreaded, in the dream, telling everyone now that I’d miscarried and there wouldn’t be a baby; I think I was thinking of the best way to tell them and was worrying about that. I was wondering what people on Facebook would think when 9 months had come to pass and I didn’t post any baby pics or anything. And I think there were also evil ppl chasing us/me, but not sure if that dream was really connected. I thought everything was real. Then I woke up IRL, feeling pregnant as ever still, dry in my bed, feeling the same as I did yesterday. I was surprised for a moment that all the blood and meat thermometer stuff didn’t happen. I realized in bed, “Oh, I’m still pregnant I guess- nothing has happened, nothing has changed, Rodrigo my love and my husband still the father, and everything seems fine for now.” That’s when I actually felt a hint of relief. Time felt…slower, when I woke up. Like my dream was a rush into the maybe-true/maybe-untrue future, and that when I woke up, that was real time—a kind of too-slow feeling, but at least real life/the present moment. Maybe something that triggered the dream was when I got up at like 2 am to pee last night, I felt a millisecond twitch of a painful cramp. Cause I had the dream after that. But I think I read it’s normal to feel cramps, even sporadic contractions during pregnancy. P.S. I’ve always thought meat thermometers were useless and needless and a waste of space – to me it’s so much easier to just use senses to check if meat is done (how it looks, the pressure/give it has, how much time it’s cooked, etc.) Am I holding a needless / too exact / detrimental instrument within my body or mind?
2/10/21
last night dreamt I was driving with my friends/family to get ice cream at Häagen Dazs store. other things happened on the way there, but they seemed trivial compared to how much I wanted to eat the coffee ice cream.
Last night was the first time I actually talked to the baby instead of talking about her. It was before bed, lying in bed alone before sleep, and I put my hands on my stomach and said that I was sorry I called her a turd (said to rodrigo tonight half-joking, among other not-so-nice things I said, that maybe what’s in my belly is not a baby, just a big turd that is blocking my period, and he said, “you shouldn’t call the baby a turd, then it might come out looking like a turd”), that I didn’t mean it, that I was just scared of a lot of things is why I said that, and that I loved her. I thanked her for coming back, I thanked her for coming again when I was married to the love of my life. I asked her to show me how to love her. I said “let me know about anything you need.” I said to enjoy your stay. I meant everything I said- almost like the conscious act of my saying it aloud and addressing her caused me to mean it. I kept saying, “I’m so happy you’re here.” Stuff like that. and then I went to sleep. Incidentally, last night was the first night after several nights in a row, maybe 3-5+ nights in a row, that my sleep wasn’t interrupted to go pee- I slept through the night – maybe that was her saying that she heard me, of being quick to forgive, of accepting the truce. : )
2/13/21
Weighed myself at 98 lbs today, after never going above 94 for the last like five years.
Marriage Journal 