12/19/20— Tonight R told me he started watching, “Twilight….Twilight….” (and I inwardly laughed thinking he started watching the Twilight vampire movies without me) and finally he remembered the title was like, “Twilight Zone.” Haha. Ok, that seemed more like him.
12/22/20
“prepare to open the door to your house!” –R tells me in the driveway of our house. We had just closed on it and then driven over there, about to walk inside with the key for the first time.
“I still can’t believe i have a house, and i’m standing in my own house!” -me standing inside the living room of the house
12/26/20— was wondering/just occurred to me: maybe why they consider marriage to be a sign of maturity: to decide that you can stay with someone for the rest of your life implies that you’ve come to the point of knowing yourself well enough to know that you would be happy with this person- like you can judge yourself/your personality and judge another’s personality to make such a big decision. You’ve reached a certain point of awareness, attained a certain point of certainty about things, a confidence in your ability to process and interpret meanings of actions and words and behavior—yours and his, reached a certain point of certainty about your life, about your values. I mean anyone can just say that they decide to marry, and marry, and everyone knows that could be a bad decision/not the best decision. But what I mean is…if you’ve really come so far as to know that the person you chose…that you could love them forever…that is part miracle/work of God that you met, but also part like…good job on you, that you’ve observed, considered, self-searched, and sat quietly & thought enough to be sure in such a “permanent” decision.
So far, I feel so sure. So sure. In the beginning, I had fleeting like teenage/girlish frustrations, like when I thought of monogamy from a rest-of-your-life standpoint—but all brief and fleeting. All fleeting with no roots or foundations or strongholds. I think…I’m so happy. I feel like we’re getting better and stronger with every season, with every day and every month. Even after we’ve just been together the day before, after he leaves the next morning, all day whenever I walk past the sliding door which overlooks the parking lot, I look for his truck to be parked out there, hoping he’ll be back soon. I’m so happy. No matter what happens, we’re blessed by God, I feel. No matter what, I feel God putting my hand in his, and I feel God putting his hand in my mine.
And I realize that it’s not when you say “I do” or make the decision to get married to be proud of. It’s when you have personally reached the point of inner growth that makes it possible for you to make decisions like these- decisions of this “big” nature- with relative certainty and peace. Like even more than a wedding, I feel THAT is the point in time that should be celebrated with heavenly joy. But it’s hard to recognize- it seems you just pass this threshold kind of silently and unaware of it, and it’s only something that you look back on and realize, “wow. at some point recently, I grew up a little.”
Marriage Journal 