1/24/20

I wonder if being married…kind of GUARANTEES that you will have to keep yourself changing and fresh and updated and modern and all this kind of stuff, because the actual like vehicle/institution of marriage is so conducive to monotony. So you always have to be like, fighting against that. Since its very structure provides such a big benefit: a big trust you can come home to, constancy, consistency, etc., then it follows that you must also do the work to counteract/balance its shadow side, which everything has. Like, you would think that being single affords more chances/instances for wildness, but I’m getting this feeling like…I felt like I was sticking to routine more when single, clinging more to it. And now, in this committed marriage relationship, I realize it can’t really WORK WELL without this slight, but ever-constant, dash of instability/chaos/newness. Like, the relationship would be more dead without these things, I realize, just because of how marriage/living together is set up.

1/28/20

Something I just thought about my ring, my wedding ring: how it could be an anchor. Not heavy like a burden, this anchor. What I mean: maybe marriage is precisely the time when you are supposed to go all out, take chances, go the farthest, take the most risks with your life and be the most daring you’ve ever been in your life- emotionally, romantically, sexually, psychologically – ALL ways (while adhering to your marriage promise). Like, because you have this…supposed safe harbor that never wavers, because you now have this foundation of unconditional love, no matter what happens, that is precisely the reason you can go crazy in all other aspects of your life, because you can always come back to this—this rock, this solid, this marriage. I mean, this is the ideal, I guess, and obviously this is not what happens in reality a lot, but…it seems like it would be the coolest thing, if we could achieve something like this. Like you won’t float away or get lost in galaxies or spin out of control into oblivion if you try the hardest you ever tried or dare the wildest you ever dared, because you have someone else looking out for you now, like a spotter, the most thorough and lovely and intimate of spotters. Like, you’re not alone—or should never be, in the ideal marriage. By which I don’t mean physically by each other’s side always. I mean: each other’s energy and attention and care—they are continually focused on the other, no matter where you are or how far apart. It’s like: as long as you are there for each other, you can go as far as you want. This cool tension/dynamic.

another interpretation I thought about the verse 1 corinthians 7:4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. – it’s in the context of sex in the bible, but I just thought about it kind of standalone and thought this:

I was thinking…maybe…it doesn’t mean power to control or direct or command each other’s bodies to do stuff. I was thinking…like, since our bodies and souls are bound spiritually through marriage, I was thinking…maybe like…the flavor and texture and vibration of my actions toward my husband, and ESPECIALLY how I react to any negative thing he might tell me – like, THIS is what shapes or influences his body, for good or ill. This is my authority over him. Like: my power as a wife is…if I can do it, if I can be strong enough to do it: it’s to never react to my husband in such a way that would make him or his spiritual body sicker or weaker or anything. Like…my ideal role, as the wife, would be…to think about whatever is in his best interest, that would make him better and stronger (no matter how my ego is screaming for me to react), and to do that, because…because of my deep spiritual tie to him. Like, since I hold something so precious that no one else holds (a spiritual lifeline of sorts straight to him, whether he acknowledges this or not)- then I must be very careful, very patient, and very kind in all my words and actions toward him, no matter what he does to me, no matter how not careful, how not wise, how not kind anything he does to me. Because…I can’t control what he does to me (and barring mental/physical abuse, I won’t try to control it/rid myself of it.) But I can control…I can actually control…the health of my husband’s body? Of the most important body he has—the spiritual one. Wow. That’s a…pretty big power and a pretty big responsibility. Oh God, please direct me where I am weak, please show me when I don’t know. Please bless us, and may my husband be the most blessed man in all the world.

1/29/20

More thoughts based on the previous idea I set forth about how marriage is a race you run together dependent on the other: like, it’s also…in a way, putting yourself forever in danger, being married, in a way. Yes, there’s that illusion of safety in that “Now I’m going to have someone with me forever.” But, I think we can all agree what a transitory, unstable, superficial statement that is, that may or may not come true. Like, that statement is just the façade of marriage; it’s the thin veneer, what it looks like from the outside. I think the reality is kind of opposite: by committing to living with and ideally being vulnerable with another person for the rest of your life, it’s NOT that safe anymore, because you can’t hide—you can’t hide yourself from this person and hope to have a good marriage—it’s not like when you were single and you could just retreat into your shell and not hurt anyone or stunt anyone’s growth (except maybe your own). Like, your spouse needs you and depends on your emotional availability, openness, kindness, resourcefulness, love. So, as hard work as it feels, as much as you want to shut down or run away when triggered, you just CAN’T anymore. You have to change for the good of the other person/the relationship. Even if it seems nothing in your body is letting you be calm, STILL you must find a way to be calm, for him. Even if just for him. Everything affects the other now, in a marriage – ripple effects of your actions felt now- going in circles – the circle you two are connected by. You can’t do what you did before, when you were single: you can’t break up based on petty excuses, you can’t run, you can’t shut down, you MUST deal with problematic personality/psychological issues, or have them trouble/overtake your marriage because of how entwined your lives are now. Like…marriage is…could it be the most risky or most chronically risky situation you could ever enter into? It’s so exciting and scary: even I can’t tell what I’ll become, what I’ll turn into, how far I can push myself if it’s for him—if it’s for someone other than myself. Without him, there would be no impetus. It’s so uncertain when you mix two different personalities, and that’s the beauty of it too: the unpredictability.

2/1/20

last night, me and R went to Kaminski’s cause he was really craving their food, and it was Friday night and busy. they told us just a few minutes wait but it turned out we were standing there for what seemed like 15 minutes or so. And there was no real waiting area; we were just standing basically in front of the front door where ppl going in and out letting in the cold rainy air and we were in some waitress’ way sometimes, not even a hallway there, just a little spot for us to stand and other people who were waiting too starting a crowd around us, and he put his arm around me lk halfway through waiting until the end. But the thing I wanted to note is something that made me so happy that I almost cried. Lk I felt tears starting to come out the corners of my eyes, I was so happy last night with him. I don’t know how to explain it exactly, but it included this: how he waited with me and didn’t get annoyed or negative; how he said the food would probably be worth the wait; how he fed off my intentionally-positive energy without missing a beat, never once seeming annoyed or depressed or anything that he was standing in a scrunchy-small space having to wait to get seated; and just his all-around grateful demeanor, how he was so glad about the table we were finally sat at (it was really nice; a huge booth, dark, cozy, romantic), to oogling the menu, and even when we were standing there waiting, how he talked with me enthusiastically about any topic I brought up, he was just such a good and capable and resilient partner, in everything we did, even the seemingly “difficult” stuff. I’m so happy he’s my husband, and I love him to no end. Thank you so much God, for him. I remember thinking last night, after all this happened and just gazing at his face while we sat in that relief of a booth, and I almost said it but I didn’t: “I’m so happy I found you. I can’t believe how lucky I am.”

1/22/20

thought I had today/maybe started forming yesterday: I wonder if, if you have to like, open your marriage and turn to other people in sexual and romantic ways, that all that means is that you are not creative enough, inventive enough, to devise ways to keep both yourself and your spouse well-entertained. Like, YOU are the one that thinks up scenarios to try, actual activities (sexual or not-blatantly sexual) to try, rules to follow, pacts to make, habits to form, ways you greet each other, inside jokes, mischievous pranks, beautiful and sexy clothing and makeup, ways to tempt and tease and provoke each others’ fantasies, etc. Like, all this shit is up to YOU. Your effort. So like, if you can’t make up this kind of shit, and feel like you have to at once turn to other ppl before TRYING all possible scenarios between yourselves first, then…isn’t the blame on you, for lack of creativity? I mean you can create anything, anything you can dream up. And you have a willing partner. This is…the blank slate you were praying for. This is the opportunity you wanted. Take it. Don’t lay back now. If you ever should not lay back in complacency, it’s now. Now—when most people DO think they can switch off and lay back, after getting married—now is the time you should take all your ideas and run! Put them in action. Have fun 🙂

Now you have the security to be wild. Now you have the foundation to be unstable. Now you have the grounds for chaos. – A feeling I had about marriage that I wasn’t able to put into words until today.

1/8/20

I was thinking how marriage is sexy, or how having a happy marriage is sexy: like, neither of you can quit. Neither of you can give up or stop trying. You both have to keep going. I just think it’s kind of sexy like: a race you run together, as a team, dependent on a kind of strength, dependent on a kind of sweat, that no matter your own personal merits, you can’t finish without the other one. That it’s romantic, because of the risk. The risk of interdependence.

“after you get married, you’re still boyfriend and girlfriend.”

– Rodrigo said this before we got married, while we were discussing possible issues/my worries about marriage

This is the first post on my new blog. I plan to journal until either my bodily existence or the marriage ends, so there should be lots more to come.

I just wanted a place to write out my feelings on this new and ever-expanding relationship I’ve recently committed myself to (on August 18, 2019), marriage. If this project also helps others, that’s a huge plus!

❤ Michelle