12/30/25
seems like no matter how hard I try, can’t get H to stop slapping and kicking me. He’ll pinch and hit my face a lot, and kick at me when I guess he’s frustrated? I always tell him that’s not right, and he’ll remember for a short time, but then revert back.
The other day, stressful situation: I had work to finish and it was the end of the workday so trying to get it done, working while in the back of the truck and we had just arrived at our new park and Rodrigo was trying to park the rig and truck, Hunter was climbing over me and bored and restless and making me open snacks and stuff, and we were all tired from the trip and H wanted his crackers and I basically did throw them at him amid the chaos, and he responded, “don’t throw the bag at me.” as soon as he said it, I realized I was wrong. And I apologized, and was ashamed of myself for a while after. I just really like how kids can be such little defenders of their own honor and worth – how they don’t let you get away with any disrespect.
12/31/25
today, started crying at the end of the workday. It was because there was too much i was juggling all day – i could not sit down and focus on any one thing for an extended amount of time. I was just going from one thing to another all day from morning until now and it left me feeling scatterbrained and all over the place and just not myself. Between everything on my to do list, work all day – which there was a good amount of, hunter needing food, needing to be checked on, needing help going to the bathroom, needing to be played with, difficulty with paying for the propane, renewing health insurance, the washer-dryer had an error code, the bank and money, gifts still, stuff we need still, I was bouncing back and forth between all these things depending on what seemed most urgent at the time or just trying to do them as soon as I remembered so as not to forget later. at the end of the day, I had just tried really hard for a few minutes to focus on playing with Hunter because Rodrigo had gone to the office to pick up our packages and pay for the propane, then when R was back I sat down to finish work I didn’t finish, when H came back to me still wanting more, and I just started crying, because I couldn’t handle it all anymore. he saw my face and backed away luckily, and didn’t push it.
I know they say I’ll miss him when he’s grown up and gone when I don’t see him as much anymore, and that the baby years pass so fast, and maybe that’s all true. but I won’t miss this feeling of not being myself – of not being able to focus – of having my attention pulled in ten different directions. I won’t miss that part at all – it feels terrible to me. i’ll miss him, but I won’t miss how hard this was. It’s just – it’s too hard sometimes. I used to be able to sit down and finish any job I put my mind to, and that was really satisfying. Now I just keep getting interrupted, keep having to get up in the middle of things, and it’s so grating on my nerves. I don’t want to go back to being single or to have never have had him. I want my baby still, but I need more strength, or help, or more time, or something. I need more resources to handle it all. I frequently feel like I’m in that slow motion accident scene from Inception: not fully conscious, no agency, thrown about by my environment.
1/2/26
lately, with my skin better (can wear socks normally again, stopped needing bandages, still need to soothe at night but it’s come down from hours to 10-15 min now) and if I get enough sleep, I almost feel like myself at certain points during the day (usually early-midday). Like fully awake and alert, without exhaustion.
1/4/26
this morning, H ran to the bed that R and I were in, climbing on top of us. he first held his face close to Rodrigo’s, then shook his head. then he moved his face over to mine and nodded and smiled, and said, “you’re the face of my life.”
Marriage Journal 