what is alive?

12/15/25

3 am: I feel like I’ve done a decent job so far. But also, frequently, I feel so exhausted – and he’s only four years old. There’s still such a long way to go.

Hunter let his soup sit out till it was cold, now he’s eating it. But he was blowing on the spoon and I said, “you don’t have to blow it anymore, it’s cold now.” He said, “just to vibrate it!”

got some validation at least today that we’re not crazy: I got a package delivered at our campsite, and went to the front office to pick it up, and both doors had the  “Open” sign, but they were locked. I was knocking on the front door when a white truck passed behind me as it entered the park, and I guess he saw I was in a little distress, because he circled back and parked next to us. R rolled down the window, and the driver guy (who seemed to be just another site-stayer) proceeded to tell us that if we needed help, that we should call the number hanging on the door and someone might OR might not help us, that they were really understaffed. He seemed to be a little frustrated when he said it, like that had been his experience. We said thanks.

12/17/25

 a prayer that rose in my heart today as I was thinking about aging: 

please make me useful to the end. like up to my deathbed – may i be useful all the way to the very end. 

12/19/25

Hunter’s been praying to God lately – I’m sure he got the idea of God from my mom when she was still babysitting him back when we were in Jersey, because R and I don’t teach him about God or bring him to church. but one day in the living room, I saw him put his hands together and close his eyes, and afterwards I asked him what he was talking to God about, and he said he was just asking for some toys. Then the other day (he is still in love with my belly), he was patting my belly and saying “oh no it’s shrinking it shrinking! Hold on” and he closed his eyes and put his hands together and was whispering, and told me that he prayed to God to make my belly bigger again. and the day after that when he was patting my belly, he said “oh yes, it’s big again! God answered my prayer!” and then the night before last, it was more serious stuff. Early in the night, I heard him asking R what happens when all the people in the world die, and all the animals die? And then later when I was putting him to bed, he was asking stuff like “am i going to die?” “Are you going to die mama?” and “what is dead?” And “what is alive?” And then he stopped at one point and put his hands together and closed his eyes and whispered – he told me to put my hands over my ears, but then told me what he prayed for right after: for him to either live forever or go to heaven when he dies. and then he did a second prayer later: for me and R to never die. it was difficult – all these questions surprised me and i wasn’t prepared to answer them. I just tried my best.