8/11/25
i kinda feel like if you’re going to have a baby (in the US?), you should be like a millionaire if you want to be able to relax. because he wants everything. Every toy, every game, just everything, the whole world, and more than the world.
All my life thus far, when I pull fallen stray hairs from my hair, they’re dark, like all the rest. But now, some stray hairs I pull are totally white. Seems like it began just this year, approximately. But it’s pretty I think – I don’t mind.
8/13/25
dreams-
yesterday during a morning nap, had what seemed wild dreams. In both of them, I sat in the laps of much older men. In the dream it felt good and intimate (only when we touched), but when I woke up and thought about it, creeped me out a little and was not pleasurable to remember. 1st dream was of an older man I’ve known just casually through work for years, and the other dream the man seemed to be a made-up character who was driving us somewhere and driving really dangerously so that I feared for my life. at one point in the dream i knew we were going to crash and die, and in that moment before i died (it felt real – I didn’t know I was dreaming at the time) all I saw in my mind was a picture of the baby, of Hunter – he was all I wanted to think of and focus on before I died.
8/14/25
I realized all I’m trying to do by moving is make myself want to live in this world more. Because there are things that hinder me from fully wanting to be here (mostly pain and discomfort from my skin). I wanna move so it will heal, the pain will go, and then ultimately I’ll want to fully be here in this world, in my life. It must be so nice for Baby, he’s so happy most of the time, and we do like everything for him, including wipe his butt and dress him and feed him and get him most of the toys he wants. I was thinking he probably 100% loves to be here. for my life now, I just want to not be in pain – I think that’s not too much to ask for. Just to not be in pain anymore.
8/15/25
seems like all I’ve been doing is scrolling through results for superhero cake toppers the past few days. Hunter’s birthday coming up next month. also a bit telling: R remembered our anniversary coming up (in three days!) and I totally forgot it, seeing only H’s bday.
8/17/25
Felt a weird sadness I’ve never felt before, today. It happened like this: Hunter has lately been into the song “beautiful things” by Benson Boone, and asked me to look it up and play it, so I found the YouTube of it and played it, then after that one, the live version of him singing it at the Grammys this year came on, and I watched it and really admired how handsome and young and athletic he was (he did some flips on stage). And all my life up until now, I was young enough to imagine “what if” with anyone I wanted. But today I realized i’m gonna be/am too old to do that – like with me and Benson Boone, I couldn’t really picture “what if” with him, because there’s a 20 year age difference and that’s just too big a difference. so I guess I was just sad because that never happened to me before – liking someone and then stopping myself from imagining being with them because of age. like it always felt like nothing and no one was ever out of reach to me, until now. like now that I’m getting older, some possibilities seem to be slipping away, whereas before they seemed all there. i’m sure there’s an optimistic side of this too, like probably things I can do now that I’m older, that I couldn’t do when I was younger. but this is just the side that hit me today. it felt like a loss, and one that i never really anticipated.
also, I wonder if I made any old guys feel sad like this, when I was young? I remember speeding down the highway on my motorcycle in just a skimpy tank top and my helmet. Going out, dolled up. A lot of stuff like that.
Marriage Journal 