3/22/25
i remember two dreams from last night: one, I walked into a kind of nightclub, and like three of my past lovers were there, lounging, but then chris, this guy who was my friend mostly but near the end we blurred slightly into romance which didn’t work out, when we were very young like high school age- entered the room, and he looked wonderful, dark, and handsome and tall. He walked right to me and was talking to me, which I enjoyed, but there was something I wasn’t ready to do. Like not with him- there was something else in my life I was getting ready for, and I was not ready for it, and this was distracting me while he talked, so that I couldn’t relax fully into interacting with him. Then this bullet train started leaving the nightclub, and I turned around and realized I left my bag right where all the passengers were boarding and I think they mistakenly packed my bag on this train, which was speeding away, and it had everything like all my possessions- my passport, all the most important cards and legal stuff that I owned in it, and I ran alongside the train pounding on the side of it, towards the driver to get it to stop, and this older woman attendant on it was telling me not to do that, and I think the dream ended before I could see if it stopped or not. it seemed like it wasn’t stopping though.
Then the second dream was on a stage, and there were several well-known popular black musicians/singers doing a rendition of Marvin Gaye’s what’s going on, with a different person singing each subsequent line, and there were tears in most of their eyes, the ones singing.
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tonight, mom texted R and i that dad felt like cooking dinner for us and invited us over. They served angel hair spaghetti with breaded veal and clams AND bread, which I did not eat the bread. I kept waiting for someone to say that this was the gluten-free pasta and handing me a special plate, but no one said anything. of course I wasn’t rude and gobbled up everything i was served, said it was good (it was good, though I don’t love veal), and thank you. But tonight I ate gluten with everything i ate- wasn’t really prepared for that. Later at night my stomach did feel a bit bad. Not painful, but just heavy and bad, bordering on nauseated. I took a Zenwise digestion pill, but it was hours after, like 1 or 2 in the morning, when I thought to take it.
The worst thing I have on my body right now is on my left thumb. It’s been maybe about two weeks. I feel like the Emuaid balm i put on it throughout the day every day is keeping it in check, but it’s not fully healing. it’s just messed up – raised and red and sensitive and close to weepy and just not normal and hurts if the slightest thing touches it, like how my feet get kind of. makes me avoid doing dishes, makes me hold my hands weird when I hold things, am constantly afraid for Baby to brush against it. Makes it harder for me to change him, to change my own clothes. Again, hoping that this is all that will happen- the worst it will get. percentage of body it covers is really significantly less than when my feet get it, and not as bad as my feet get, so I’m looking at it as positive, as an improvement.
gave mom a pretty top, new in the bag, that I got from Temu that I knew she would like, last night. Tonight saw her wearing it and said it looked nice and asked her if she washed it like I said she should when I gave it to her, and she said she didn’t. She said “I’m going to sweat in it anyway, so what’s the difference?” Ive sent her news articles before of how it’s standard practice to use formaldehyde and other chemicals in clothing and that’s why you should wash new clothes before you wear them, and have told her like all my adult life about it, but I guess she doesn’t care. She said it doesn’t affect her like it affects me. I wouldn’t care about any of this, except that Hunter is with her all day and all over her, and I care about what gets into him, because I’m responsible for him. i should’ve just washed it before I gave it to her. I wanted to keep the gift-like, new-in-bag, pleasant surprise factor of it when I gave it to her, is why I didn’t. but now I know i should.
3/27/25
i keep thinking, if feet get bad again (they’re getting a bit itchier, hands and feet in general itchier and burning more, thumb still terrible and not healing no matter how much Emuaid I put), that this time it’s different because i have hope. the last time when it dragged on and on for months, i wasn’t sure what was causing it or if it would ever end. now i’m like 90% sure it’s pollen. even now, skin getting worse is coinciding with the pollen emerging. so now i know if i can just get out of here to somewhere “safe”, no matter how bad it looks, it’ll recede. just like it did this past December when the pollen season ended. i have hope it’s not forever.
3/31/25
Thumb seems better in the past day, but I can’t be sure. I feel like I should be grateful because it’s not a huge spot, and not too bad.
trying as much as possible within my comfort level to avoid pollen while still doing normal stuff and not staying in 24/7. This weekend, we stayed in most of Saturday, but then at night, went to the beach where there’s less pollen, which was really nice to walk by the water and on the AC boardwalk. R and I mentioned to each other that maybe if we didn’t want to go all the way to Arizona at first, we could just find somewhere near the beach on this coast, to park the RV.
then today, we went to the library, and when I went outside, I breathed through a water wipe and even though it was really warm out, wore a jacket so I could use the hood to cover my head and clothes. Seriously thought about draping an entire loose bedsheet over my head and body like a cloak, but didn’t go that far today.
Marriage Journal 