faster pace

3/16/25

have definitely been gaining weight; weighed myself the other day at Granny’s (we have no scales at our house) and i was 103. Never been over 100 in my life before pregnancy; my default weight had been 94. not bothered at all by it (i still feel healthy) except the pants thing- like some pants i can’t breathe in anymore.

3/17/25

last night, had to itch right foot with left toe again. Was in bed with Hunter, and I always try to keep his bed clean as possible, so I know that by scratching there, the feeling was pretty intense for me to give into. Still, gladly, no bad results came from it (my skin is still ok). But still worried because I know pollen is increasing and will only get worse. Just hoping that everything I’m doing is enough to protect myself. Not sure what else I can do – the RV we bought was just delivered today- it was one that we just looked at last night and really liked for the price and the roominess inside. A fifth wheel called “Wildcat”. 

asked cards what was the spirit of our new rv. i drew the elk card. and also the whale card, while i was shuffling, happened to be the only one in the deck that was facing up (hunter was playing with them earlier) so i included that too in the reading; it seemed to make sense (elk is masculine energy and whale is feminine)

 was just reading something that mentioned mini vacations, and it made me think: when i went up close to death with eczema herpeticum and stayed a few nights in the hospital for it- and every morning they were sticking my arm for blood samples and filling up vials and pumping me full of antivirals and antibiotics, and the bed I was staying on smelled of someone else’s urine – despite all that, that hospital stay was like a mini vacation for me. just because i got to sleep. i got to sleep a whole night without anyone waking me up, and more than one night. sleeping a whole night was heaven. kinda puts into perspective- now looking back- how hard that time period of breastfeeding was.

3/18/25

realized last night that sleeping with him now is magical- in such stark contrast to how it was for the first two years that he breastfed (torturous). Now, he usually falls asleep so sweetly, and wants to just cuddle, and even while unconscious, rolls over and gently holds my ear between his fingers, constantly checks that I’m there. lays his hand or arm or leg on me. But doesn’t need my body to like survive. it’s so much better. So much better. i love how much he doesn’t need me anymore. before, he needed me so often that i almost died.

last night was the first time that I itched my feet and it hurt a bit afterwards- I went to bed and had to bring my knees up to my chest and rub feet softly for a bit before they stopped hurting and I could leave them alone. Totally reminiscent of what I went through for seven months last year. Of course, it worried me. But I just keep hanging onto the thread of hope that this is as bad as it’s gonna get, and it won’t get any worse than this, because of everything I’ve been doing. What else can I do? I refuse to go past this hopeful thought, or else it’ll just be a spiraling into despair. There’s nothing raised or looking bad, but it’s a little dry, a little bumpy. When I woke up in the morning, it seemed all calm and flat again. 

noticed though it’s always after showers when I get itchy. Something in the water, or bathroom? But I need to take showers to wash off the daily pollen. So is it better to not take showers so I don’t get itchy? or to take showers to wash off pollen, but then like definitely get itchy, as proven at least two times in a row now?

Was thinking it would be so nice if I could have energy and time to enjoy this toddler time of his life. He does so many absurd and awesome things like 24/7, but like last night, he woke up at four in the morning and wanted me to read him stories, which I did for about an hour until he fell asleep. So that affected me in that I was operating at about 50% today- so tired I couldn’t enjoy everything, but was trying my best. Like why does it have to be such a beautiful time right now, but I have to be physically drained during so much of it? Why can’t all the stars align?

3/19/25

and actually, later that night, the stars did align.  after the whole day of being without baby, parents brought him home asleep in his car seat. I can’t describe the feeling of familiarity and closeness that comes with being near the one that grew and lived inside your body. With a full mama’s heart, I knelt down and unbuckled him, gathered him up in my arms, laid him down in his bedroom, and in bed he immediately wrapped his arms tightly around my neck as I wrapped my arms around his back and we both laid there entwined and comfortable- he asleep, and me just elated by him being safe and near me. So much so that my heart sped up. But I know he had heard it all before- my heart beating both rapidly and slowly when he floated inside me all those months- so I knew he wouldn’t mind at all. It was a perfect way to end the day, because I was so tired.

3/20/25

“your body needs you to have faith.” – Anthony Williams

last night in bed with Hunter asleep, kept chuckling to myself because I was thinking what if there was a band called Sonic Elderly.

realized an indicator that im in a stressful, time-crunched time in my life: when i dump out laundry meaning to fold it and later have to stuff it all unfolded back into the basket because i didn’t get to do it (wherever surface i dumped it now has to be used and we’re going somewhere and it just all has to go back). hate doing that- hate going backwards when i made a step forward. but that’s what happened today, and what happened a lot when Hunter was an infant and i still wasn’t used to anything about parenthood.

3/21/25

also, last night, past midnight after I had just settled down in bed with my weighted blanket all around me, and my head sandwiched between two pillows how i like, realized that I had a load of laundry done in the washer just sitting there, sitting in it, that I didn’t put in the dryer yet. During the workday I had just done as many loads as I could, then still had work left over after 5 pm (we got an unbelievable amount this week) then was rushing to clean the house, and then we had to leave to pick up Baby, and I just forgot all about it- Baby was still awake when we got home- until late that night. So then this morning I opened the washer and was sniffing everything and something smelled a little, so I put lots of baking soda and another thing of soap put it on the hottest setting and washed it again. i hate doing things twice. I hate doing things when I already did them, but our life pace is too fast right now for me. each day ends with the feeling like there’s not enough hours to get things done- even just basic things like laundry, cooking, showering- and for months now. Not to mention the non-basic things we have to do (get the house ready to sell, clean up and settle into our RV, all the processes to get through to actually sell the house and get out of this pollen-drenched area).