3/12/25
have been looking at rvs pretty much every weekend for the last few weeks, but did not see one I really liked until this past weekend. It had pretty much no chemical/fake scent/new product smell (it’s around the year 2018 and they had bought it new, used it since then), was nice and big, lots of storage it seemed, clean. The guy seems nice, his third kid was on the way, and he said they were just going in a different direction. I felt good about the whole thing, it was the first fifth wheel we looked at. Might get, still in the works.
3/13/25
“the patriarchal split between virtue and lust”
“When we can be present for both love and sex, we transcend the battleground of Puritanism and hedonism.”
-Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity
in addition to (slightly) more showers, avoiding going outside in order to stay away from pollen as much as possible. it’s a little bit nice because before, i would look outside and feel guilty for not getting out to exercise yet. now, i decidedly stay in and know i’m better for it. plus it’s my nature to be a homebody so it feels good giving in to that. and i know i can get exercise inside anyway (vigorously do housework, yoga/workout videos).
3/15/25
last night, took a shower. Got dressed really fast afterwards because Hunter was nagging me to come sleep with him. I felt fine but then a little bit into when I was reading him stories, I felt my right foot itchy, so was itching it with my other toe while reading to him. Then, after he had fallen asleep, it was bothersome enough that I had to go up to my room and itch it- the same place- tops of my feet-that was bad for seven months straight last year. it was bothering me enough so that I couldn’t fall asleep before itching. When I was done, nothing was broken or open, everything was still flat, but it was a little red and close to bumpy (so small tho I wouldn’t even call them bumps). But still, the sight of a little red plus that itch urge reminded me so much of that 7-month trauma, that when I went back downstairs and into R’s bed for a cuddle, I couldn’t stop fearing and fearing that it was coming back. He was giving me signals, but I was just so scared about it and sad that it was coming that I couldn’t respond; I just curled up tightly in a ball against him, and squeezed his arm hard until I fell asleep. Then this morning they were itchy again, and again it was a little red, but again, nothing bad to report- no lasting anything, no bumps. I’m still worried, but I’m doing my best: still doing celery juice, being as strict as I can without stressing in avoiding milk and cheese and eggs (all plentiful in our house, so hard to avoid, but when I have other options, and I feel like it, I choose them). Added olive leaf extract on top of all the other supplements and pollen spray. Also started putting this ointment that R gave me, emuaidmax, on the tops of my feet (recently got bad spot on left thumb and this ointment seems to help/keep it from progressing to full blown), and also using this balm called wonder balm by Puriya on the bottoms and rest of my feet. Also still using that Defensin spray regularly. Even if it comes, at least I can say I was proactive and didn’t just wait for it. it’s like all I’m doing day and night is trying to prevent it. There’s nothing more I could’ve done except pack up and move out west, which is what we’re also in the process of doing.
Marriage Journal 