that scared my butt

11/12/24

something I realized just now that I love about R: he never intentionally makes you feel bad about anything.  by which I mean whenever I tell him something that I’m ashamed about, like I just did last night, I told him something…and he immediately responds with some kind of justification or kind remark against the obvious pointing fingers route. He’s gracious. I could definitely learn from that.

leaves keep falling/being blown in such a way that it’s not even afternoon and like three times already this morning I thought there was a big bird or something flying by the house. and the dry leaves hitting against the house almost sound like hail, there are so many of them and they’re all so dried out.

I can’t describe the elation I feel sometimes when Rodrigo brings baby home and he’s fallen asleep. That I have more time to prepare, more time to get things done.

11/16/24

last night, Rodrigo and Hunter were roughhousing in the bed before bed, and I reached around them to draw the blinds down and pull the curtain closed, when Hunter who was throwing his arms really wildly, came too close and hit me in the face, actually right in the eyes, and it really hurt, and I stepped back, holding both hands over my eyes for a few seconds, and Rodrigo said it was just an accident and he didn’t mean it, and I knew that, of course. And he just kept playing while I walked out of the room and for some reason, I just started crying really hard in the living room while they kept playing. Just maybe the physical pain triggered it and it made me think of how it was a metaphor of how having him has hurt me physically, but there’s nothing I can really do about it because he’s innocent- I’m the one who asked for him to be born and be here. also, it’s been really hard the past few days because I’ve been watching Hunter 24/7 while my parents are gone to a wedding for a week. I have to wake up earlier, like around six am when Rodrigo leaves, to go downstairs to sleep with baby, and I’m still going to sleep late because of my feet, so I’m not getting enough hours- I’m getting maybe like five or six on average. Then it’s just me watching him all day until Rodrigo comes home late at night. also, I feel a cold or something coming on, maybe from just all of this.

been eating cheese the past few days, but skin hasn’t seemed worse. maybe it’s the celery juice counteracting it? there is a small spot on face though that’s bad though- maybe that is the cheese?

11/17/24

something incredible happened yesterday morning: out of nowhere, just me and Hunter in the living room about to play an action transformer kind of show on Netflix, he turned to me and said, “Mama, I’m sorry for hitting you last night.” he may have messed up some verb tenses and stumbled over words, but that’s what he said. I just couldn’t believe he thought of it, seemingly out of nowhere and said it to me and I was so touched, and I told him, and we hugged, and I almost teared up, and I just felt so grateful. I was thinking, maybe he didn’t say sorry right away right after it happened the other night because he was so into playing and also he might’ve felt ashamed, like when he goes in his diaper now and he knows that he shouldn’t, and he tries to hide it.

i wish i had an audio recording, or at least written record all his sayings. they’re the most absurd, awesome things i’ve heard in my life. The other day, I guess he saw something scary and said to us, “that scared my butt” which is something I want to always say now. and then just nonsense words when he’s playing, telling us to say things like hotdog roll and roll and rollie pollie or something. and last night:  “i don’t like sticky things” (why?) “…because they stick on sticky places” -something like that but funnier. most times there’s too much happening for me to stop and record them. But a greatest hits phrases by him would be so funny to look back on.

definitely ate gluten today. I did it to be a good guest at a hosted lunch. I do not regret it, as I truly love the hostess. took some digestive enzymes in the car right before we got there, and after we got back a few hours later took Oregon wild harvest aller-aid capsules and an allergiemittel tablet. had nothing but celery juice before the lunch, and just fruit smoothie and snacks afterwards. So we’ll see how my skin is. I have a feeling if there’s any effect, it won’t be too bad. But I really had cut gluten out for a long time now, before this.