good cry

5/12/24

itched my feet for so long last night (from like 12 to 4 AM) that when I woke up this morning, I was afraid to get up because I wondered, what if it hurts to just even walk?

5/13/24

just cried hard but only for like 1 min, then stopped. but it felt good during, kind of cleansing. nearing end of cycle, so it could be pms, but i think mostly it’s built-up sadness from skin pain these last days, and feeling like my body betrays me/doesn’t work with me or for me or support me, in many ways. it could also be the combo of all these meds – i just took basically all of them in the hour or so before i cried.

5/14/24

was tempted to use topical steroid on feet last night, but then realized that if I did, it would get “artificially” better, and I wouldn’t know if the internal medicine I just started taking was doing anything. so I didn’t.

5/16/24

after another difficult weepy night last night that kept me up and robbed me of going to sleep at a decent hour (itched & soothed from about 11-2 am), I finally caved this morning and applied a really thin layer of topical steroid (Clobetasol), just gently tapping it onto my feet with my ring finger. I actually haven’t used any steroids for a long time, I think the last time was almost a year ago, or at least more than six months. I guess I won’t know now if any of the natural medicines I’m taking are working, but…at this point I don’t care- I just don’t wanna feel in pain anymore. I guess I’ll deal with what works later? I kept thinking it might get better, but I guess i needed some western medicine intervention/respite – it seemed to be getting worse despite everything I was doing (confining myself to the house, supplements, allergy medicine, clean eating and avoidance of gluten, dairy and egg…)

even though using steroids is kind of against everything I believe in (i want to solve it with natural medicine, getting to the root cause, no easy fixes) I desperately want to feel strong again. I want to walk and take each step without having to think about how uncomfortable it feels while going up and down the stairs, walking around the house. I want to be able to play with my baby without being uncomfortable or in pain or hyper-worried he’ll step on my feet (several times already, I’ve anticipated that he was about to, so I jerked back and almost allowed him to injure himself because he wasn’t anticipating that sudden movement from me – he doesn’t understand. I feel like it’s just a matter of time before I accidentally allow him to injure himself because of how rough-and-tumble he is, and how hyper-afraid I am of anyone touching my feet when they’re bad. just not a good combination. Maybe I could try to somehow pick him up at the same time that I move away?). so whatever – I’ll temporarily go against my ideals for all that. Also the peace of mind and the restored sleep I’ll get – I think is worth it. not ideal, but I’m doing my best. This is the best I can do.

I wish I could see the fx med doc so he could help me root-cause wise, but I’m not spending $165 per appointment plus the cost of expensive supplements when we have almost nothing in the bank and even have a negative amount a few times lately. this is the best I can do right now – this is all I know to do right now. will keep taking the Allergena zone 1 homeopathic drops, because I was blood tested and confirmed to be severely allergic to certain tree pollen (mostly silver birch and white oak), and that medicine is supposed to help with allergies from those trees- I looked it up on their site. So that’s like the most specific medicine to my problem I believe I can take, that I’ve come across. it’s only been three or four days I’ve been taking it – maybe it needs more time to work. and in the meantime, the clobetasol will restore some sanity and I’ll use it as sparingly as possible.

5/17/23

woke up this morning dreaming that I had just eaten a lot of ice cream, like three bowls of it (it was nice, in the dream- creamy, different flavors, maybe pistachio and vanilla…) before I realized that I wasn’t supposed to have any because it’s milk, at which point my heart kinda fell.