love dreams

4/1/24 

I realized a mistake I was making when playing the lottery: I was looking to an external source to tell me when it was OK to stop worrying. (Like by winning, I would finally stop worrying about money.) But I just realized it’s a mistake to wait for peace to come. It should already be here, inside of me. Even though I don’t know like how, feasibly…it should, still.

I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so conflicted in my life as when I drop off Hunter to stay at my mom’s or she picks him up, in those few minutes right after they leave the house and I’m alone. I need him to go because I need a physical break – I need rest mentally too- I need to pick up after the chaos that the tornado of him has left and get the laundry, clothes, toys, kitchen back in order so we can do it all again. But after he leaves, it’s like everything means nothing without him.

4/2/24

sometimes I feel cute because I’m small, and sometimes I feel special because I can sometimes wear kids’ sizes, but mostly I just feel angry and frustrated about my shortness: I need to get the stool out in the kitchen every fucking day multiple times to reach stuff from the higher cabinets that normal people can reach, average-sized dish gloves are flip-flopping on my hands because the fingers are too long so that grabbing things is awkward and inefficient, just reaching things, hanging things, etc- normal everyday things that i need to do- that a normal person can do without any extra steps- piss me off because i can’t fucking reach. every day. 

breastfeeding as trauma: the lack of warning before it all, the all-encompassing nature of it (takes over body, hunger, thirst, sleep, everything, entire schedule), sleep deprivation, loss of identity, control, focus…maybe…maybe more than just my body needs to recover. 

4/4/24

i always dream of…people holding me. people, well boys- men i guess- who…are in the back of my mind/bottom of my subconscious, who i haven’t seen or talked to in years and years. in my dreams they…put their arms around me and i feel safe. Safe and…wanted, loved, completely. i think about them the whole day after.