12/25/23
lately have been looking in the mirror at my hair and my face and just thinking, “well, we had a good run at least.”
i’m still feeling weird feelings towards R sometimes- this weird issue in my brain that’s causing resentment about money. I still don’t know who or what is to blame. But I have come to a conclusion after all this thinking: that I can’t be in a good marriage with my mind halfway out of it like it is now. Either I totally step out of it, or I am totally in and totally on his side and we are an absolute team. It just can’t work with me being half-hearted. It would just be a kind of torture, because this relationship we have and this family we’ve created requires both of our whole hearts. So make your decision. Don’t stay in limbo like this.
though there are times of immense love and joy, mostly what parenting is for me: getting hit with the continuous feeling of “this is too hard, I don’t wanna do this anymore,” but then you can’t really do that – it’s not something you can just walk away from. So you just have to keep going and going, no matter how bad things are/how bad you feel.
12/26/23
got the second card when I asked if I should keep playing the lotto, because feeling discouraged after losing so many times. the first card in all these pairs of cards, i always use as a lotto number that I record until I have enough numbers to play.
weird i got the second card though right before R and I had sex and the condom broke. we were using condom as usual and a while later, after we had both dozed a little, we discovered it. he said he didn’t notice anything feel different, and i didn’t either. he went to get an Aftera pill at CVS and i took it same night after dinner…hope it doesn’t mess with my skin too much. if it does though, i won’t know if it was the pill or food, because i ate a slice of pizza made with wheat with dinner. it was so good and i wanted to eat the whole pie, but i stopped myself and filled up on other stuff that stuck with the diet.
12/27/23
something I realized as I was just laying in bed with R and we were dozing after sex tonight (baby was napping): we made promises to each other, when we got married. We promised to take care of each other. So like – blaming him for anything at all, and stirring up resentment within myself – that is not adhering to what I promised. To take care of him = to love him the best i can, to be a team no matter what we go through – in sickness and health, in poverty or riches. What kind of wife would I be if I only loved him during fair weather? Definitely not one of any substance or character. This is a test, I think – how we do in hard times, and above all how well we love each other during hard times. Even if the hard times continue to the end of our lives, I’ll love him. and we are in the midst of it, so now is my chance to prove it. because I think at our cores, we’re still the same people we were when we got married- like the core of our characters. neither of us has changed for the worse, we’re both trying our best and I think no one is to blame. We just both didn’t anticipate how hard having a baby would be. I think that’s simply all that happened. and I think it’s probably a super common thing that happens. And there’s a lot of things we’ve been through as a couple that we didn’t anticipate- this is just one of the biggest things. so that’s it – that’s my conclusion.
12/29/23
second card was answer to the question “how should I be today?”
12/30/23
drew these cards after asking, “why do I keep getting financially positive cards when I’m not winning the lottery?”
I hold this image in my mind of what my identity is – like I’ve embraced shyness and introversion and whatever characteristics I keep defaulting to throughout my life, as “me.” But tonight, turning around from the passenger seat after a nice day out and looking at Hunter’s face, just experiencing his joy and the joy of him, I felt: I could become anything for him. Like the opposite of whatever I think I am- if he needed me to be it- I could rise to the challenge.
Marriage Journal 