6/24/23
heard myself think this thought once last night, and again this morning: “i can’t kill myself now- i have a family.” it’s from the physical pain all day — it hurts, burns- my feet, fingers and hands, my neck- it hurts to move and just be and it feels like…if it hurts so much, maybe i shouldn’t be at all.
6/26/23
front door lock broken currently, needs new batteries. today sitting inside with door unlocked, thought, “i’d be indifferent actually if someone came in to rob the house and killed me. That way, I wouldn’t have to suffer anymore. But it would be nice to go on living too- I could go either way.”
if God looked back on my life, I would want him to be able to say with absolute certainty: even though this girl faced difficult obstacles, that she never wavered in hope or faith.
6/27/23
Very little appetite today
6/28/23
just had a dumb kind of moment: from previous googling, I’d read that you shouldn’t use the combination birth control pill while breastfeeding, and I assumed it was because of danger of passing the hormones in it to the baby. I don’t know why I thought this- either I read something that maybe implied it, or I just jumped to the conclusion in my mind, but either way I thought I had to write off this bc method until I stopped breastfeeding.
but as my skin is still really bad, today I googled, in a desperate, whiny way, “why should you not take the pill while breastfeeding” and as I read more about it from reputable sites like Planned Parenthood and La Leche League, I found out that it is absolutely OK to take hormonal birth control while breastfeeding – just the reason they do not recommend taking the combination pill- which is the kind I want to take to see if it heals my skin- is because the estrogen in it, for some women, reduces milk supply. Buuut if that side effect happened, it’d be all the better- I am absolutely ready to stop- it’s been almost 2 years of breastfeeding now. The minute I found out this information, I jumped on the Hey Jane page and ordered the pill from them. Currently waiting on their response with some hope, but because so many things have failed me in the past, not too much hope.
just feeling a little dumb about all my incorrect assumptions- if I had just dug a little deeper, I would’ve found it out and started sooner. but at least in that meantime, got to try red clover and chasteberry (both of which don’t seem to help). and Baby got a little more nursing time in and the benefits of that, in case this medication will render me physically unable to nurse anymore.
The past two nights, after nursing and Baby let me go around midnight or almost 1 AM, before I left the room, I kissed R on his sleeping lips. last night it was nice- he didn’t move, but tonight when i did it he jumped a little, as if he thought I was a bug, lol.
found tick on baby when changing his diaper this afternoon, on his right hip area, a tiny one, pulled it out and crushed it with the tweezers, sprayed briotech spray on it and put a little green wonder salve (from red moon herbs), and put his new diaper on. (update: looks like it’s healing well, the spot gets less red every day and I haven’t put anything else on it since)
there’s this feeling I wanted to record that came out of me being in so much pain. It’s really hard to describe, but I want to at least try so that, at least, like one good thing comes out of all this suffering. And it was like a fleeting feeling, but it felt very important, like an attitude that I should have 24/7 every moment. It went like: how every moment is so precious that the silence in that moment is like music itself. Like to be alive. It never should be mundane and like even doing “mundane” things like walking, cooking, just moving the human body and using all five senses, it’s amazing. that’s like the best I can describe it. I hope I never lose it, sensing magic in everything. like to be healthy and alive at any given moment is a miracle and privilege, and not at all guaranteed. How every living moment is so delicate, how things can tip so easily between life and death, I think is so taken for granted.
6/30/23
12 pm: just got the notification from Hey Jane that they sent my birth control prescription to the pharmacy. I’m excited, maybe this is it. Maybe this is the solution. I’m also nervous because I’ve never relied on conventional medicine so heavily before- this is a pill I must take every day. I usually turn to herbs, vitamins, supplements/my own concoctions first. With the pill, there’s a risk of blood clots and strokes and such, I read. But I was thinking that if this helps my skin, I’d rather die from a heart attack with clear skin, having been comfortable most of the time leading up to it, than not try it and continue to suffer every day.
even though it is beautiful out today, and a wonderful only 15-minute bike ride to the pharmacy, and exercise is always my first goal, I didn’t bike there because of how bad my feet hurt. but I drove the three minutes and got it, and I’m back now, and I took my first pill.
about an hour after I took the pill, feeling drowsy, but not in a bad way, kind of in a lightheaded, high kind of way. (*felt the same feeling after the second time i took it too) but something that worried me was I was folding laundry, and whenever I leaned on my left side, over my heart, there was a not a stabbing pain, but a little poking sensation/pain there over my heart, whenever I kind of put weight on the area to lean over- I don’t think I’ve ever felt this before (*this feeling thankfully did not come back the second time)
7/1/23
the best gifts give you exactly what you need at that moment. the most heart affirming, loving thing someone can do is to meet you where you are, especially when you feel far from ideal/where you think you should be.
when i finally find a moment without pain, i call all my senses to come back and we sit quietly humming inside it, trying to soak up every second before it’s gone again.
Marriage Journal 