define pleasure.

5/28/23

can open my mouth to yawn now- don’t have to hold it closed like before when I was healing. Can open my mouth to eat the way I want now, can smile and laugh again with Baby without it hurting. Relieved.

not sure what is up with period. This morning saw some spotting, so I thought I got it, and that this was Day 1 of my new cycle. but as the day went on, nothing really more came at all, which is unusual for me. Also zero cramping- unusual. But maybe not so unusual for me at this time since it’s the first natural period after the abortion, I guess I should expect some irregularities, that it’s not going to just hop right back on track?

5/29/23

period red and flowing today.

at least once a day i think: “i can’t do this anymore.” today it was when he was chomping on my nipple while falling asleep nursing.

5/30/23

scabs gone now, since late weekend. if you look close irl, red spots and scaly patches in their place that feel gross to the touch, but am grateful it looks much better, and should be fine for zoom mtgs now. 

period more like normal now, red and flowing and cramps today. Though unusually red- so bright red that it looks almost magenta. 

Right foot is doing horrendous, I was tempted/thought of using topical steroid, even though I had sworn in my mind that I would never touch them again, but that’s how bad it is. I just wanted mental and physical relief, which is why I thought of the steroids. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. started using this “Briotech” spray yesterday.

 5/31/23 

sometimes it’s so peaceful. not the early mornings (i’m tired) or late nights (i’m tired). But late afternoons/early evenings when he just wakes up from a nap (so i know he’s not going to bite me which he only does while falling asleep) and we’re in a dusky half-light, and i can hear R in the next room, and we’re lying here in the bed reconnecting, everything soft and quiet- these are the times i’d love to revisit and remember when it’s over.

Felt a tangible feeling yesterday evening that’s hard to describe, but I feel I must. I just itched my foot and was feeling absolutely terrible, skin pain and also kind of head pain and heart pain from the trauma of it looking so bad and feeling bad. And after I cleaned up and calmed down and laid down in the bed, texting R that I was going to just lay down, and he said OK good night, and I lay down for 10 minutes or so, a feeling of just utter peace and calm came over me, and it stayed with me throughout the entire night. I went from feeling so bad to so good. I don’t know why, but I was really grateful for it, and want to hold onto the feeling somehow, if I can. I feel like someone sent me the feeling. Like a gift from another realm.because it came out of nowhere.

6/1/23

i think i’m not angry anymore that no one told me how hard being a mother was going to be. Just now realizing in the midst of it- that these are probably going to be the hardest few years of my life. And i think if i knew it was going to be this bad, this torturous, i wouldn’t have done it- and i would’ve missed out on him- this wonder child- by doing so. maybe not being ready was the only way to him. like when they’re about to stick you with the needle and he says, “on three” and sticks you at two. Like, what could i have done anyway? How could I have prepared? I would have just worried, or totally ran away and never have met him- my baby.

6/2/23

(dream)

left mom and went to use the bathroom in big mall with Baby, on the way for some reason picked up a stray Walgreens plastic bag I thought I was gonna need to change the trashcan lining or something (why i would change the trash not in my own house, idk)? But upon entering the bathroom, saw they were all changed and didn’t need it, Hunter went to his own stall, I looked for my own, a more private one out of the way- it was crowded in there – but then realized those were out of order, and that in my time walking around trying to choose, that Hunter had probably finished already, and hurried back without peeing, and also just dropped the Walgreens bag where I was, because of no time, had to meet my baby, even though I had intended to return it to its original place (it had some items in it that looked like just bought-I think someone had lost their bag) when I got back to where he was, I saw him just getting out of the stall and going to wash his hands, such a big boy, but then he turned the corner walking away from me, so I followed after him, and when I turned the corner, I was sure he would be right there, because I was right behind him, but I didn’t see him. I still was not alarmed or anything, because I knew he was somewhere right there, I heard him saying Nene. There were a lot of kid boys where I was looking, mostly their fathers were holding them in their arms, maybe one or two walking on the ground, but each one I looked at, I thought for a second would be Hunter, but when I looked at his face, I realized it was not him, and started to get freaked, was turning to my right and left because I heard him, but could not see him. then finally, I asked out loudly, “who wants to nene? Come out if you want to nene!” because I knew it was a question only he could answer, and I listened hard for the answer, and kneeling down, still looking, i heard him better- he was hiding inside some kind of abandoned clothes rack like inset into the wall. I reached inside and brought him out, and carried him with me. so I had promised him Nene so was walking around with him, trying to find a good spot, an out-of-the-way dark spot to breast-feed, and just picked an area right outside the bathrooms. Near a kind of bar, there were some people there, but it was the best I could find without having to walk a mile, and without much embarrassment, I guess because I was surrounded by the company of people that drink who are pretty easy-going, I undid my shirt just enough to let my nipple out, and put him on it quickly, and held him close, and sat down in the chair in a dark corner. it was pretty nice breastfeeding him, because whenever too many people, or people came too close to me, I could push the chair I was in, I guess it was a rolley-chair. I could push my feet back, and it would move to wherever I wanted, so I was sort of gliding around with him breast-feeding. then I was walking, carrying him, eventually he fell asleep and let go, so I covered myself up again, and was walking around. I ran into dad while I was sitting down breast-feeding, so I guess he went to go tell mom i was done in the bathroom and where i was. while killing time waiting for them to come back to where I was, walked around holding sleeping Hunter around this crazy big new mall I’ve never been, I was just looking around and about two times, I dropped him. I just forgot I was holding him, and then would realize there was nothing in my arms, and then look behind me, and find him on the floor, and I would not feel him leaving my arms or hear him hitting the floor or anything but I felt relieved each time I found him, that no one had picked him up and taken him, and also felt stupid like, “why do I keep forgetting about him and dropping him?” we passed this hippo kid ride, the kind you put quarters in, but at the same time I showed him, and he wanted to go in, three little girls showed up, wanting to go on the ride too (there are many other empty rides around though), but I was already putting him in and told them just one second because I didn’t have any money anyway. let him ride for a second and then pulled him out, and walked away checking my pockets, I really had left my wallet- I think with mom. was hurrying back with him to the spot I thought they would think I would be, where dad first saw me. was worrying some that we had missed each other.

*

just realized something that feels significant. Even when I was trying to relax, when I thought I could die that other week having the eczema herpeticum outbreak, when I watched my Netflix shows- one of my indulgences- I would only do it when I was eating a meal or snack. in my mind, I realize now, my justification was that I am getting something essential (have to eat) done at the same time, at least. like: I can’t completely relax, I realized, and just focus on that one thing- relaxation. Like I had to be still accomplishing something, even in my relaxation. So today I just set up a little couch in front of the TV and lay down and watched it (The Empress-I’m actually in love with the bad guy- the emperor’s brother- he has such a presence unlike anyone else on screen) and did nothing else but have a drink beside me while laying there, and it was pretty wonderful. I felt refreshed- I think more refreshed than when I simultaneously watch and eat- when the episode was over and I turned off the TV. I didn’t realize how deep this thinking went in my mind, that I always need to be productive at every minute or else I’m wasting time. Now that I’ve pinpointed the feeling more, I do feel it pretty much all the time. I feel like i’ve just started on this path of learning how to relax, like I never really explored it. I’m not sure how to do it even, as ridiculous as that sounds. Almost like pleasure is a… bad thing, to be balanced out by a “good” thing. I don’t know where I got this value, but realize that it pervades and dominates my decision-making. I view pleasure with like suspicion. As if, if I allow myself too much of it, something bad might happen.