4/16/23
skin still doing better, even improving. I’m not even using any one medicine really consistently.
4/17/23
pic i took of myself this past friday and liked
now I know why I got that ecstatic feeling when eating melon the other week- I thought it was just a really good melon, but it was my taste hypersensitivity coming back from being pregnant, like I had when I was carrying Hunter.
was thinking: is it possible that some pregnancies are not meant to be followed through? like they are just placeholders in order to teach you something.
I thought I was maybe not healthy enough- I still don’t feel 100%, definitely. But I guess you don’t have to feel 100% to get pregnant. I just wasn’t thinking/didn’t care enough and irresponsible, I see now. like i’ve felt so uncharacteristic-of-my-life bad these past 19 months (not to mention being seriously hospitalized just 3-4 months ago), i think i assumed i wasn’t healthy enough for it to happen? i shouldn’t have. i shouldn’t have.
4/18/23
cried a lot yesterday. a lot. feel better today, less stressed. more at peace with everything, with the soul temporarily residing inside of me.
feeling the food ecstasies/cravings, feeling very tired and nappy lately, and also my gums started getting really tender already. I think these are all pregnancy symptoms; they remind me of my first pregnancy with Hunter.
I am strongly leaning towards the theory that my skin problems are not derived from my diet. because my diet hasn’t changed at all lately, but my skin has improved (thinning down, smoother, less itchy) faster over the last few days/weeks than any other time I can recall in recent memory (aside from those times of topical steroid use, which I haven’t done in many many months). It seems pretty sudden. Also my exercise is not consistent at all, no new additions or subtractions in my diet, and I’m not using any topical balm consistently at all- the only new change really is that I recently became pregnant, which certainly changes your hormones and immune system, and who knows what else. So my theory is that the problem is rooted more in some hormonal or chemical imbalance or insufficiency or something that already exists in my body. and it’s something about the early stage of pregnancy, because I had a breakout for a while during the later stages, carrying Hunter (but again, at the beginning of that pregnancy, no breakout and felt good, if I remember correctly).
4/19/23
things lost. things lost. things never to be found again. someone- a close relation of the highest intensity- who i’ll never meet, who is swirling lifeless down the drain. by my own hand.
4/20/23
biting, biting, biting me all this week nursing…we think his last teeth (molars) are coming in.
4/21/23
wow, I actually slept last night for more than four hours. I think it might’ve been five or six hours. feel good.
4/23/23
wondering when the day will come when every day stops feeling like a race against time. It all started the day we brought baby home from the hospital, and hasn’t ended yet, for 19 months, since then.
quick summary of how I found out last week: it was Mon. 4/10 I felt the familiar abdominal twinge in the morning that felt like period was coming, and it was around the time I should have gotten it (period’s only been back the past like three months, but still has been pretty regular). I was so certain it was coming that I even snapped in a cloth pad before I saw any evidence of it, in anticipation. But the whole day passed, and nothing. Oh well, it would come in the next few days. So the next day, and the next passed, but nothing. And the week flew by as usual, and on Friday we went to the beach and came back and still no sign of it so that by the end of the day, when R was running out to the store and asked me if I wanted anything, I said, “Yes. A pregnancy test.” Then: “No, nevermind. They’re like twenty dollars, I’ll look for it on Facebook marketplace.” Then R was like, “What? don’t do that – what if they sell you a faulty test?!” and he came back with a test and said it was like $10, not $20. And I took them, both of them that night, as soon as I had to pee, and they both right away (within like the first minute) showed up positive.
Marriage Journal 