the never-ending nursing

4/1/23

I just had one of the most horrible thoughts I’ve had in my whole life, I think. I was with baby all morning taking care of him, during which my skin was hurting (neck, hands, and feet), and he also pooed and when I was washing him in the shower by myself (R wasn’t home), the water stung my hands a lot. When I opened the window to throw a bug outside (while simultaneously baby was whining to nurse for the 5th-6th time that morning, it felt like too much) I saw the rain had gone and it was beautiful out- warm, breezy, bright and sunny. So got him ready asap and took him to the playground so he would stop the never-ending nursing, then R came back from a job after we’d been at the playground maybe an hour. He met us there, played with us a bit, then left to visit his bestie’s house and took baby with him. I walked home. A little while after that, R Facetimed me from the friend’s house with baby crying (he later told me he was stressed about that cause baby started crying as soon as they walked in the door and R didn’t know if he should stay or leave, and that’s when he Facetimed me), I guess baby was asking for me. I couldn’t do much over the phone, I tried to talk to him, tried to turn his attention to the dog his friend had, asking where he was, but baby crying too hard to change his mood with just that. After I hung up, I dreaded that they might come home soon if he didn’t stop crying, and I hadn’t had time to unwind yet at all. But R texted me he stopped crying eventually and was talking and watching TV with them, drinking juice. So I’ve been home by myself these last few hours –I was so enjoying the time alone to recuperate and just be by myself and quiet and have no demands on me and do as I wished, mostly.  Then when checking the weather, I saw there was a tornado watch, and it started storming. R texted me that where he was a few towns over, he got a notification on his phone to seek shelter in a basement/away from windows because that area was actually expecting one. After receiving this information, I noticed that my most prominent reaction to it was (the “most horrible thought” referenced at the beginning of this entry): “Maybe they’ll both die in the tornado, then I can be free of the responsibilities of them, and it wouldn’t be my fault at all.”

It upset me to realize I was thinking this. I think, though, if this happened in reality, I might be devastated. I think it’s just too much for me sometimes – so much – everything at once (meaning the physical pain when my skin hurts, on top of caring for baby alone for hours-long stretches with no one here for backup support, on top of pressure to keep the house clean, on top of pressure to provide everyone – me, baby, and R- with meals, either cooking or buying them). If I had to assign percentages, I’d say…my skin issues account for maybe 50% of the hardship, actually caring for baby 30%, and household maintenance worries, 20%.

4/2/23

tonight while nursing, at the beginning, he smushed his face into my boob and blew a raspberry, and laughed. lol.

4/4/23

just read this phrase in a Sharon Olds poem from her book, Balladz. It goes, “the peace of telling each other the truth.”  resonated with me and made me think of R. though we don’t have as much time to talk these days as we did before the baby, when we do, it’s nice, still. We tell each other stuff that happened to us that’s important (like R witnesses a lot of road rage incidents since he drives so much), our literal dreams we had last night and dreams for the future too, things we want to do, things we have to do, how we feel about it all. I love that we tell each other the truth. At least I know I do, and it seems that he also does with me, the best he can.

On Saturday afternoon, walking back from the park by myself on the path through the forest, i heard a snake before I saw it. Heard a rustling in the leaves right at the edge of the path and turned to see a really small thin brown snake slithering off the other way, as if I had scared him.

then the next day on Sunday, got stressed out taking care of Baby, so while R watched him inside, I took my pizza to eat outside in the backyard instead of sitting to eat with them. Was staring into the woods munching it for a few seconds when I saw a fox. Just one alone, the classic red-orange, the bushy tail and pointy ears and everything, was amazed- hadn’t seen one around here or really at all in my life, and she also was moving away from me, prancing off gracefully. After I saw her I thought, “I was probably chewing too loud.”

4/5/23

today and yesterday, did not get a chance to sleep in the morning, and went to sleep late as usual (1-2 am, I go up to bed asap after baby falls asleep nursing), then woke up around 7 (when R leaves/baby starts crying to nurse) and stayed awake because yesterday had urgent work in the morning and then today, had the weekly work meeting (every Wednesday). Have felt pretty good actually these mornings, but then around late afternoon, an overwhelming tiredness comes over me, and I need a nap. Also today and yesterday, the weather has been beautiful, I’ve taken walks out in the backyard and I’ve started eating the dandelions  and chickweed and violets and stuff I see popping up, I like the bitter spring taste of them, and it’s just peaceful to walk around the backyard picking things and munching, thinking, relaxing.

I happened to come across, online, while reading about the baby microbiome test Tiny Health (I ordered one for baby, who has mild dermatits that you can’t really see, but can feel some dry patches sometimes), a company called Viome which tests adults’ microbiomes. It was pricey – like $289 with a $100-off coupon – but I ordered one for myself because I so want to get to the bottom- or center or core- or whatever, of what is causing my skin issues. I need to find answers, solutions, because I’m in pain not all day, but daily- chronically. And I’ve had it since I was a baby, and I know if I go to doctors (at least regular ones, I can’t afford naturopathic ones, I wish), they will send me straight back into the cycle I’ve repeated for the last like 20+ years: dermatologist who recommends steroids, put the steroid cream, start getting better like the next day and mood uplifted because of fast results, but prolonged steroid use (2+ weeks) not recommended, and when I stop, everything comes back, usually worse. (I actually just learned this week about TSW- topical steroid withdrawal – which is an actual thing, not imagined). So anyway, my point, looking forward to using the Viome testing (I got the stool, blood, and spit test) and their recommendations, maybe something will come of it- never done this kind of test before.

Something i like about having a baby: gives me an excuse to buy and carry around cute organic toys. i love this little dog. Hunter named him Buh-buh, and thought he was a Rabbit at first, and that the hippos on his PJ’s were umbrellas.

4/6/23

Was just looking at baby and looking forward to giving him his space when he grows bigger, gets older and more independent. Which made me realize that if I’d never been raped, I think I would not be so conscious (maybe not conscious at all) about physical and just personal boundaries. Was thinking – funny how only when your boundaries have been crossed, are you truly aware of them/can see or sense them. Like nothing can exist without its opposite (very oversimplified, but).

4/7/23

Had the most restful nap the other night, when I picked up Baby from parents. I was going to leave but a sudden tiredness came over me there and I went up to my old bedroom and laid down and slept, I felt if I didn’t lay down to sleep, I wouldn’t be able to drive baby home safely- that’s how strong the feeling was. my body felt so heavy down into my bones, and I let all my weight melt into the bed, and I when I woke up I felt so much better, alert, had energy. I think maybe it was partly because I’ve been taking this tincture that’s supposed to calm you- it has skullcap, milky oat seed, motherwort, holy basil, and blue vervain.

R and I had such a nice day yesterday. Unexpected because I realized we had our tax appt with AARP at the library the day before we had it, and texted R as soon as I realized, and we went to it in the morning (stressful- gathering and organizing documents up until the minute we left) but afterwards, R took off the rest of the day, eating with me and watching our current show together (the queen’s gambit) and cuddling and napping, etc. while the baby was at parents’ as usual for weekdays. We were just home all day, but it actually felt like a date because we didn’t have to worry about baby – we hardly get this chance anymore.