1/21/23
he’s at a stage where the stupidest things make him laugh – you don’t need to know any jokes, just like make a sound really fast, and he laughs, like I did this morning – I kept going, “ma-ma-ma-ma-ma MAMA” really fast, and he kept laughing, like twenty times in a row. lol.
1/23/23
maybe babies are here to push couples into this conscious state: “if you need me, no matter what time of night, just call me. if I don’t wake up, come get me, it’s OK.” This is what I said to R tonight (and what R has said to me before) as we parted ways to sleep (he’s still sleeping with Baby and comforting him back to sleep the multiple times a night he wakes, so that I can get more sleep).
1/24/23
woke up feeling almost high today, had a lot of energy when I got up and was feeling great. Not sure why. When I first got up around 5:47 AM and went down to sleep with baby, felt tired as normal, and felt super tired when we got up around 8 AM. But after I slept from 9 to noon, woke up feeling groggy at first, but once awake, felt super, better than any time I can remember in recent past. appetite was ravenous, ate a lot, pasta from last night’s dinner, not gluten-free. Feel almost like I had caffeine (which i only indulge like a few times a year) but haven’t had any caffeine…just some regular chocolate brownies (gluten free from Simple Mills mix) that I made myself. did have a huge orgasm last night w/R, but that can’t be it, could it? can’t think of what else it might be, vitamins and supplements as normal. Feel strong and in control in a way I have not felt in a long time, in both body and mind, and even while nursing for two hours straight in the evening. and despite (or because of?) being at the tail end of this fever/sickness (just have a phlegmy cough now). The only thing i think it might be is that i’ve been, in general over the past month, getting more sleep than I have in the 15 months before when I slept with Baby, and maybe i’m starting to feel the good/rehabilitory effects now.
Just as I was about to go to Acme to buy ingredients to make lasagna tonight, parents brought baby home because he’s teething and very irritable and wanting to nurse, so I just stayed home and ordered Instacart, which for just a few missing ingredients and priority delivery, cost about $50. made me wonder if it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a lasagna from a restaurant.
a prayer that rose out of me as it was getting dark and I was pulling the blinds down over the window that faces the forest trees: Please let my body still be magic. After all these hours and hours, these days these weeks these months, these turning into years of sucking, sucking the life and the juice out of me, please let me still be able to hold magic, and be electric. Amen.
Marriage Journal 