9/25/22
in caring for him, why this prevailing feeling of helplessness and inadequacy- when you are the person he wants the most? He lately all the time is just like “mama, mama, mama” and clinging to me.
he started doing this thing when he first wakes up in the morning and I’m still lying down: he crawls over and puts his face on my face and repeats “mama” a million times, with different intonations, and alternating stressing the first and second syllables. his slobber gets all over me and his jaw opening and closing against my face feels cute lol and makes me laugh, even though im so tired.
9/26/22
so crunched for time it feels self-indulgent to just check my email.
9/27/22
have not broken out this bad ever/in a long time: bad on neck, sides of torso around to back, hands and arms up to shoulders, thighs (front and back), have dark itchy spots down legs, and of course, tops of both feet have been bad for months now. So it definitely feels systemic, and also makes me wonder if breastfeeding/lack of sleep (or both) is what is causing it.
Started taking tumeric supplement yesterday
10/1/22
was just reading that mother rabbits use bits of their fur that they pull out themselves to make a nest for their babies. was wondering if there’s a correlation with my skin being so bad while im in the nursing phase. maybe it pulls the nutrients from my skin to make the milk.
just want to make a note to myself for the future in case I look back on this time like it wasn’t that hard, and feel like i could have another child: it was that hard. And unless there’s a big change in my life circumstances (like being able to automate everything like food and baby care and cleaning so I wouldn’t have to worry about anything but breastfeeding and caring for him), I could not do this again. I feel like if me and R can get through this with our love intact, we can get through anything.
10/2/22
kind of scary, i don’t remember ever being in the 80-lbs range. but just weighed myself and im 89.2…i chalk it up to still not getting my full sleep (for a year now, which messes with my appetite). i was feeling esp skinny lately. not trying to lose weight. maybe it’s the keto diet, idk. I feel like once I start sleeping right again, the weight will come back.
2:17 am – are you more of a mother with the more kids you have? Or are you just as much of a mother with one?
Marriage Journal 