a superior level of refining fire

9/9/22

I feel like I’m not that good a mom now, that i just don’t have the instinct to know what the babbling means and don’t like to do mundane  tasks like cleaning and changing, but I feel like I’ll be a better mom once he can reason and talk with me, I feel like I’ll do better then.

i feel kind of like…you haven’t really been tested in life until you’ve constantly endured, as the sole caretaker at the time, the demanding screams of a baby.  If you both come out on the other side okay, i feel like this is a …. or can be a….superior level of refining fire/resiliency strengthener. There aren’t many things as stressful as this, i think.

9/10/22

I was thinking, that the perfect thing would be, regarding weaning, if he was the one that stopped the breastfeeding on his own, because I would hate to feel that I was taking something he seems to love so much away from him. It would be nice if the initiation came from him.

9/12/22

had this moment yesterday at Hunter’s birthday party that weirdly made me feel more like a “mom” than anything else so far: I picked two pieces of sticky, half-eaten pizza crust off the ground and stuffed them in my front pocket because Hunter kept trying to pick them up and eat them, and I didn’t have anywhere else to put them right then because I was running after him inside the playground. Being at his 1-year birthday with these slobbered-on crusts in the pocket right over my heart, I just felt struck suddenly, with reality, with just this silent badge of… momhood. it seemed the most absurd/out-of-character thing I’ve had to do in the name of baby yet.

he’s started to get very clingy to us, running to our legs and holding them, his dad and i.

i’ve always had the goal to not need help taking care of him anymore and want to eventually stop spending every week at my parents’, but did not know any precise measurement until this morning: I realized it’s when I can get work in and type it without him screaming and crying when I turn my attention away from him, which is what happened this morning when I tried to do my work. He does this when I venture out of the playpen away from him but also when I’m right next to him and just need to do my work. I’m not sure when this time will come (months? years??)- when I can do my work and he won’t cry himself into a sweat- but I realized that is what needs to happen before I can start handling him alone every day. I even turned on his favorite shows and opened the lids of the toy boxes to pique his interest, but he paid all that no mind once he noticed I wasn’t paying attention. it was impossible to work because I couldn’t hear the dictation over his screaming.

something I’m happy about lately is that the other week I weighed myself and I am back in the 94-pounds range, which is what I weighed before I got pregnant. Also my belly looks pretty much like it did before- I notice a slight bulge that’s different, but I think other people wouldn’t notice, and it’s ok with me, as I did have like a person living in there for a while.

9/14/22

had this thought today while looking into baby’s face while he was nursing: “this is my chance to give someone my best, for their whole life.” I’ll have so many opportunities with him. And maybe also it’s a chance for me to test the boundaries and find out how far my best really reaches.

such range of ambivalence about breastfeeding. some days (like tonight) i am crying or almost crying out of frustration/pain if he’s restless and keeps coming on and off the boob and biting hard each time (he is probably frustrated too, he’s very congested with a cold) and my back hurts from sitting up for so long- i can’t lie down because upright is the best position for his runny nose. and then some days it’s easy, when he’s well and ready, he falls asleep without a fight and it’s all peaceful and lovey-dovey. i feel both “oh my god, when will this ever end?” and also “oh no, i feel the end of this is so close.”

9/16/22

it’s only 10:15 right now, but it feels like 12 or 1 o’clock to me, I’m so tired. Maybe it’s the colder temps that have recently settled in during the night, but also i think I went to sleep too late last night (it was around 1-1:30 am, baby is sick with a cold, he kept waking up like every hour to nurse)

9/17/22

he’s at this stage where he seeks me out and clings to me so hard with his little  arms wrapped around my neck; he’s never clung like this before, all wrapped around me like a little monkey. i don’t encourage it at all (i want him to be really independent), but when it happens, my heart melts and melts, and i savor it, bc i know it’s fleeting.