6/20/22
it’s like his head is a whole separate baby: it’s huge and looks like it weighs almost as much as the rest of his body, and wherever he leans it, his body follows/falls. we keep having to take special care he doesn’t knock it too hard on anything.
6/21/22
his one top tooth coming out now. he’s a little more fussy because of this, but it’s not too bad. I feel bad for him when he cries bc of it. putting tooth gel and giving him stuff to chew on.
and it seriously seems like every day (after every nap, even) he’s growing bigger.
his personality’s coming out more now too. he gets so excited that he screams & spasms (ex. when i turn the front doorknob, cause he likes going outside or when he wants to eat and realizes i’m about to get my boob out) and he’s impatient (screams angrily when he wants to eat and the food not coming fast enough, or when he wants to be picked up)
just realized tonight while nursing him…some positions we’re in/ways we touch…have never and i think will never be replicated, even with my most intimate lovers. like…i’ve never slept with someone like this- who desperately needs my body in a non-sexual way. never had this situation. his little hand explores as he nurses, squeezing my belly fat (and attempting to squeeze my other nipple, but I don’t let him – his grip is too strong), reaching up to my face and chin and lips, pressing his fist into my ribs. we fall asleep facing each other, the soles of his sticky-warm feet softly pressing my stomach. I get this feeling now of just how fleeting time is… i’m never gonna have it like this again. I started out hating breastfeeding- i wasn’t prepared for how disciplined you had to be for it, how his appetite demanded me to drop whatever I was doing at the moment, tons of times a day and night. But now…I think I’m going to miss it when it’s over. everything gets summer-quiet when he’s drinking from my body.
6/22/22
been waking up from dreams lately with them affecting my mood, which is kind of unusual for me. Or is my mood affecting them? but lately they have just been very vivid. woke up annoyed from the contents of one dream, in a bad mood from the contents of another dream. don’t know why my dream emotions affecting me so much in waking life lately. maybe cause my sleep still all messed up and dreams/real life is all blending together/less separation. been taking day naps more, since I can while my parents watch the baby.
6/26/22
I think I’m starting to understand why parenthood is so hard (and kind of heartbreaking). It’s like: you can emerge from my most private part, and day and night drink from my other most private parts, and my mind, body, time and energy are 24/7 on call for you, but as soon as you are able, you might move a million miles away, and truly, you will never owe me anything.
Marriage Journal 