2/23/22
today kept thinking about how when I asked my midwife Waverly for advice the day I was giving birth, she said that when it seemed the hardest, that’s when it was almost over. I wonder if that same concept applies to his life stages now.
last night, so much poo in his diaper that the poo made a little mountain in the diaper when I opened it. this morning, both poos went out the back of the diaper and had to change all his clothes both times, and the changing table cover too. spit up like four times since last night, like twice at night and twice again in the morning. all night last night, he woke up every hour to eat, instead of the usual every 2 to 4 hours. all night, every time I went back to sleep after feeding him, was hopeful that I wouldn’t have to wake up again for a few more hours or maybe one more hour until morning, but when he woke up again around 7 AM, my heart sank bc I knew there was no really going back to sleep because it was time for work.
then, caring for him alone all morning, waiting for my mom to get here at 12. Before she got here, I sat baby in the safest spot on the couch (or so I thought) to give my arms a rest. It was in the corner where he was buffered on both sides by cushions and I thought the furthest away from the edge. I also put the crescent shaped pillow around his front, in case he fell forward. He looked so cute like that I took a video for R. in the seconds between pressing send and putting the phone on the couch and then turning back to baby, I looked and baby had somehow toppled forward and I saw him going straight down headfirst to the floor, arms out (tho it’s a cushioned floor,) – his head was almost right at the floor when I saw him and he was falling slowly, (but not slowly enough), his front kind of sliding against the couch, and there was nothing I could do but for a millisecond not believe my eyes, then he hit, then lunge forward and pick him up from the upside down position and soothe him as he cried hard. Felt extremely guilty, felt like the worst mom, felt like I could not handle this or anything or anyone, asking myself how could the universe give a baby to me when I can’t even take care of it. Hunter was smiling and playing again within minutes after it happened, and I was feeling all around the part of his head where he hit and it all feels hard; i don’t think there’s a soft spot there – I just feel a soft spot in the back but he didn’t hit that part- he’s acting totally normal and I don’t think there was real damage, but still, it basically destroyed my day. just the image of him falling straight on his head, I can’t get it out of my head, I keep replaying it over and over again since it happened. I feel so bad about it, I didn’t tell anyone, not even my mom, or my husband.
(mulling over it in the days afterward, I think he must have fallen forward AND somehow pushed himself with his legs headfirst off the couch, all in a span of about three seconds. he moves so differently now than I expect, have to change with him. he’s almost crawling).
also today, he bit me hard on both nipples.. like everything that could go wrong today w baby, did.
one goal today: cry in the shower, if i can get to the shower.
2/25/22
my favorite is when he smiles in his sleep. i wonder if, generation after generation, every parent who dies with the thought of, “maybe my child will live forever,” is how we live forever.
2/27/22
yesterday, R gave me a nice compliment kind of by accident. I was talking about ways I might get baby to sleep in his crib (we still sleep together in the bed), and I said that maybe when he goes through that stage where he doesn’t like me and is trying to be independent, I could put him in the crib to sleep, and R said, “I think he’s never gonna go through that stage and will always like you, because you’re not annoying, or pushy…” and he listed a bunch of other traits that I forget, but they were all nice, they came rambling out and then he looked at me and said, “…maybe I just think that because I like you.”
Marriage Journal 