breaking point

12/14/21

actually started getting cold bc of how wet my shirt was from baby drooling on me.

12/16/21

tonight ate a lasagna basically lying down on the couch (Hunter would not stop eating for like two hours, couldn’t change position)

“his mouth is going inside his face! because there’s so much meat on his cheeks. so much meat! So much meat! His mouth is fading” – R, 9:30 pm, holding hunter and walking around with him

12/18/21

last night, we went to bed around 10, but hunter did not go to sleep until about four. Was eating and fussing for like six hours I think. And he only slept two hours, he got up at six, around four I was at a breaking point. I had a strong urge to go upstairs to R’s room and lay down with him and cry, but I didn’t, because the baby needed me, and R had to get up early for work I think.

I also had a pretty horrible thought this morning: “now I know why some fathers just leave- they leave because they can- because staying is so hard- so much harder than just leaving.” I felt like if I was a father, I would be tempted, but as the breast-feeding mother, I could never abandon someone who needs me like this.

12/19/21

tonight was looking in the mirror holding Hunter and thinking about how my hair is falling out a lot recently (my mom lost like 50% of her hair after she  gave birth to me and my brother) and how Hunter is also starting to pull it a lot too, he’s grabbing everything, and I thought, “oh well, at least I was pretty for 39 years. That’s a pretty long time.” and I meant it- i was grateful for it, for the time I had.  I will be sorry if  I lose my hair, but i think that the trade off — who and what I get in return – will be worth it.