11/28/21
amazingly, and for no apparent reason, hunter’s wake schedule tonight was 12, 4:30, 8. four hours apart 🙂
The day ended today with me thinking, “there’s so much I wanted to do that I didn’t get done.” And feeling like crying, actually I cried a little.
12/1/21
falling in love with him. Even his cry is cute. He’s so big now. 13 pounds. his expressions and gestures and sounds to me convey spunk and character.
12/2/21
tonight baby was eating for so long, over an hour – more like an hour and a half. And R had just come home from work and had to eat alone on the couch, and it was actually painful for me to be in another room while he did– like physically painful – because it’s the only time we get to spend together, that small portion of the night when he gets home. (after like two hours, i finally pulled myself out of his mouth and joined R in the living room, he didn’t cry when i did it actually)
12/4/21
2:08 am – he makes me unafraid of the literal and metaphorical darkness of night, because we have sat up, rocked, touched, cried, wondered, clung to each other through all its ungodly hours – night after night, in a wordless but ever-expanding mutual understanding.
wondering when I’ll ever feel in control of my life again. There are little things I’ve been trying to do for months that I haven’t yet, because of baby duties, gotten to do (clean my upstairs bedroom, gather the requested documents to send hospital to apply for financial aid for the birth bills…) because every day is an endless cycle of feeding, changing, feeding, carrying… with showers and bathroom breaks and bites to eat in between. it’s kind of the same feeling I felt at the beginning of pregnancy, when I was overwhelmed at all the things I couldn’t do/eat. it’s this temporary (I guess) loss of identity.
Marriage Journal 