11/23/21
Had One Glorious, Uninterrupted Night of Sleep since Hunter was born over two months ago, it was last Saturday night. I saved a lot of pumped milk and mom took him for the night. But I saw her yesterday and she had a red spot in her eye- she said it was a popped blood vessel from being so tired from not sleeping that night. she said she didn’t know how I did it every night. I was hoping maybe we could make it a once-weekly thing, but I’m not going to let her do it anymore.
also interesting: i got a lot of milk when I pumped the day after i had a whole night’s sleep- like double (8 oz) the usual (4 oz).
sometimes I’m so tired from waking up to nurse all night, and that when i open my eyes and see baby I’m not sure if he just finished eating and I should pick him up to burp, or if he was about to eat and i should give him boob. still feeling confused, disoriented, anxious, and physically losing my balance a lot, and I think this won’t end until I finally get to return to normal sleep.
11/24/21
Past week or so, seems he’s regressed a little and instead of waking in 3 to 4 hour stretches, wakes every 2 to 3 hours at night.
11/26/21
it’s weird taking care of someone who won’t remember most of this time together, but you will. Like caring for someone constantly on roofies while you’re sober.
hunter was looking at me today and wriggling as usual and reached out and touched my face for the first time. I don’t know if he meant to or it was just the wrigglies, but it seemed purposeful to me, bc he was looking at me, in my eyes when he did.
11/27/21
R did something cute: last night I found my big hair claw I was looking for, for the past few days. it was clipped onto his bath towel in the bathroom, and I don’t remember why I left it there (also a side effect from no sleep, bc i usually remember where I put everything and why). but I showed him it when I found it and was like, “did you see my clip was on your towel?” and he was like, “yeah, it’s been there for the past few days – I thought you left it there on purpose.” I just think it’s so cute that he would let me do such an absurd thing like obstructing his one bath towel he uses after the shower, and not say anything about it. I would never (in my right mind) store something of mine on something of his that he uses so much! That means he was probably drying himself off for the past few days in that towel with my big clip whacking him everywhere hehe.
I can’t express how much my mom has helped me through this time, with the baby. Driving here every day and staying for hours. Not just with the physical chores, but talking with her, being in her presence, her encouragement and advice and common sense and jokes, at this time of being pretty isolated from everything and everyone, she’s brought great comfort to me, so much that I feel like I can never repay her for it. I owe her so much. She’s the mother of mothers.
kind of cruel how, at this time when we can have unprotected sex pretty safely, there is no time, and there’s no energy for it. It’s just dangling there and we can never reach it, or even feel like reaching it, even, for me, because I’m so tired.
hunter’s eating schedule (and so my sleep schedule) is like: 11:00 pm, then 2:00 am, 4 am, 6 am, 8 am, 10 am, etc. with a long nap (for him) during the day. when he wakes me up to eat, I’m often in the middle of dreaming.
I noticed that 10 am feels like 3 in the morning for me. it feels like i’m waking up in the middle of the night.
i can’t explain the niceness also- there is this beautiful side of sleeping with him, when he’s out like a light and peaceful with his arm or leg (or both) having magnetized toward me under the covers and he leaves them there touching me all night, subconsciously making sure I’m there.
Marriage Journal 