3/8/21
Today during breakfast, mom went to the kitchen to get her utensils and I heard something fall. She said from the kitchen, “a guy is coming to the house today.” I said, “who’s coming to the house?” I thought she meant a repair guy. And she said, “No I dropped a fork, that means a guy is coming. And if you drop a spoon it means a woman is coming. Filipino superstition.”
Since being pregnant, I feel like sometimes I go to sleep thinking what I want to eat the next day, and then the thought of eating that food is what gets me up the next morning.
3/9/21
just had a really simple thought, but it makes sense to me: why be afraid of something that my body naturally does? A natural body function? That would be like being afraid to take a pee, being afraid to take a poo, being afraid to eat and digest, being afraid to fart and burp, etc. Like, why be afraid of this one bodily function- birth- more than any other one? It’s true it’s kind of a bigger event than those listed, not such a daily event as them, but still. It’s still in the same category. And it doesn’t make sense to be afraid of them. To be afraid of birth would be like being afraid of falling asleep on a random night six months from now. It will just happen…and with every cell in my body, it was meant to happen.
3/10/21
I feel like pregnancy is a double-edged sword in that physically, I feel much more vulnerable with my stomach w the baby in it jutting out and my immune system supposedly down and more susceptible to bacteria and stuff and restrictions on lifting and all that, but at the same time…it feels like all my senses are sharpened and heightened – like mental purpose and clarity in some ways, smell, intuition, touch, sensual things like this.
last night was the first night that I didn’t need to put any heaters on. usually have the heated blanket and also a heating pad for my feet on all night, but it’s getting warmer now.
I think something good about working from home is this: I feel a greater satisfaction about work-life balance—I feel that the two are more balanced than if I had to go into office every weekday. In the traditional way, we spent most of our physical time—nearly all day—waking up early and going home in the evening—at the office. I feel that this schedule psychologically wears on a person, bit by bit. In the back of our minds, we feel we are giving too much by spending most of the week—and most of the days of those weeks—not with the people we love/at home. I am so much happier with this new work situation, and this increased satisfaction with my work makes me want to invest more in the company by staying and working here and continuing to do my best in all my work, just like I always did at the office, but I feel now with a more well-rounded sense of satisfaction with my job. This situation just makes more sense to me. It feels more logical when you factor in the relative shortness of life and how quickly it all goes by—who wouldn’t want more time at home? Or at least the choice? Time and freedom, such precious things.
the other day, R came home from work with two bouquets of flowers, really pretty, one red and one pink bouquet. Mom opened the door for him and he gave her one. She was like, “what’s this for?” and he said, “Happy Women’s Day!” and I laughed hearing it, coming down the stairs. And he gave the pink one to me. “Happy Women’s Day,” he said, and I gave him a kiss, it made me really happy. I had no idea he knew about the day and no idea he was bringing them.
Last night, we were watching The United States vs. Billie Holiday, and at some point, I think when we paused it to get up and get another snack and came back, before we resumed, R started just dancing waltz-like in the middle of the floor and smiled at me and opened his arms and we did a little dance in the living room together. It felt so natural, idk why. I mean I know why he did it—he was copying the way she was dancing in the movie…but I mean we didn’t say anything at all, and just did this. I feel like we communicate a lot with just body language, me and R. I feel like with my self-expression, I like using words best. But with another person…being physical is easiest and most enjoyable for me. It was nice. I like how we are constantly reading each other without words.
I feel maybe not as severely/desperately hungry the past few days—it’s more minor, when I’m hungry—the edge seems to be wearing off. I can go for longer without eating without feeling panic. Early in 1st trimester, for many weeks, there was an underlying desperate-panicky feeling when I got hungry. Now it’s almost as if I’ve satisfied this “panic” enough times now and with enough food that something in my body has breathed a sigh of relief like, “Oh ok. Food we can get, and lots of it, and any time” and is backing off in a way, releasing hold of my appetite in a way. I feel calmer regarding food, much more than before, though am still enjoying it immensely when actually eating.
Lately I am eyeing my belly in the mirror when I lift my shirt and am thinking: “there’s definitely something in there.” it never pudged out this far before.
Stuff I thought tonight while doing walk around the field and suddenly a cop pulled up fast on the road that runs through it, stopped behind the lone vehicle parked there and turned his blinding red-and-blue lights on, and I kept on my usual route around the field perimeter and after I passed, he drove up behind me on the road while I was walking on the side, drove past me slowly and parked on the other side in the gravel lot:
I pass, barely- at night and with my hat over my eyes. In daylight, I do not pass. Also thought: if I, a NYC-born, able-bodied, small female US citizen who speaks nothing but English and have lived in this neighborhood for the past 25 years—if I feel scared of this cop in my own neighborhood, in my own field that I’ve walked since high school over twenty years ago, when it was pure field with none of the soccer goals or flood lights or fencing set up yet…if I worry for my safety and well-being in my most hometown place possible and in my element of elements (alone, walking): what kind of world will my daughter live in? What am I dragging her into? Where am I bringing her to? To what jails and prisons? Then…What am I doing? Why am I doing this—3-4 months pregnant? Why am I still carrying on with this and continuing with this? It happened naturally, but somehow…to continue through so much uncertainty seems absurd when I could just stop and know more things for sure. Why have I not stopped it? What hope do I have? There must be something I’m hoping – some hope that’s keeping me from terminating. What am I hoping for? What do I hope will happen?
3/11/21
just had a feeling and a knowing that I’m not sure how to exactly describe, but it goes like this: when you’re in a situation – any situation- where you kind of lose control completely (such as giving birth, such as flying through the air right after impact from an accident, things like this-) that’s kind of when your trust in life to take care of you is at its ultimate test: there’s nothing you can do in those moments except you either know you will be ok, or get full of fear. The feeling I just felt was: I looked forward to the birth BECAUSE it poses such a test. Like…I want to give myself up. I want to show you how much I trust you. I want you to know, and I want to know for myself. And it’s like the only way we can both know is to go through something difficult like this. Like…I’m looking forward to….experiencing how greatly you take care of me in my hour of need, when I have no control. I’m looking forward to you proving your love to me, and me proving my love for you through absolute trust. Because I feel it-I already know- I sense…I sense that you’ve prepared everything. That you are in the place I’m headed for, and you are right now embellishing it – making it so beautiful for when I get there. I know it.
yesterday, R got out early from work. He texted me to tell dad not to cook. He brought home all kinds of meat: steaks, pork sausages, chicken sausages, garlic bread from Brazilian market and grilled us our dinner outside (I cooked some string beans inside so we had at least one veggie dish). mom came home and was like “wow! so much meat!” It’s Brazilian style we said, and laughed. It was really nice of him.
“we dressed as if we had no idea what other people were wearing.”
“healing is an art form, made up of all of one’s input and intentions.”
– Patch Adams introduction to Susun Weed’s book Seven Medicines
3/13/21
Past like week: peeing feels more under control- have to go fewer times, and when I do have to go, it doesn’t feel as urgent as it did before—I can hold it. When I wake up in middle of night, 50% of the time now, I can hold it and go back to sleep, whereas before, 100% of the time, it felt like I couldn’t sleep unless I got up to pee (this is a pleasant surprise to me because I expected the peeing issue would only get worse and worse). Also appetite is not as insatiable/desperate—still snacking a lot, but feel satiated quicker, and the nauseated edge to my appetite seems to be gone – feeling more “normal”. Feeling something closer to normal hunger pangs now when hungry, whereas in first trimester it was this unsettling nausea when hungry. A weird thought I had the past maybe two days is that I feel lighter (even though I’m probably getting heavier). Like I feel I can balance better? and I don’t seem to get the head rush I was getting when I stand up fast now. Maybe my body is “adjusting” to pregnancy?
The past few weeks, have been craving coconut water and drinking lots of it, all different brands, unsweetened. Also eating more fruit: peaches, mandarin ogs, pears, pineapple, apple, papaya…last night I could not leave the grocery store w/o a pumpkin pie- I really felt like eating it. When I couldn’t find it pre-made in any dept., bought the ingredients and made it that night and ate it warm and it was very satisfying; ate it again cold for breakfast (tasted better cold) and want it again tomorrow, and want to make another one after this one is finished (it was really easy to make: mix brown sugar + spices + salt pinch + 3 eggs + 1 can of pumpkin + 0.5 pint half-and-half, pour this mixture into a pie crust and bake at 375 until edges firm/like 45 min).
Marriage Journal 