2/28/21
Please let me keep my body, after this is all over. Please let it be how it always was: strong, beautiful, reliable – pushing me uphill every day and enjoying it. My body that’s always taken me further than I thought I could go, and never failing me. Precise control over every function. Please…let me keep my body. Let me keep all those little graces you started me out with. I never took it for granted. I never will. Please don’t let this pregnancy take from me; may it only give. Amen.
dreamt i was buying frosted mini wheats at the store. woke up and went to WF and bought them, with some whole milk.
3/1/21
What if being a mother is a thankless job that I regret signing up for, for life? What if I give so much of my body (the burden of pregnancy, the pain of birth, the constant breastfeeding, waking up throughout the night, night after night…), my time, my mind space—my mental energy, my finances, my everything—what if I give all that to this person who…one day just…doesn’t remember me at all/doesn’t take any of that into account towards me? Will I wish I did anything different? Will I wish I chose a different road? And if a mother’s love is supposed to be unconditional, are these the wrong questions to be asking? And why is a mother’s love supposed to be unconditional? And how? What if I can’t give this kind of love? Do I then fail as a mother?
Dreamt of ______ last night/early morning. it was a very bittersweet dream. we were in some kind of auditorium, a huge like stadium, maybe we were going to high school together. And passing him on the stairs on the side of the bleachers, among crowds of our peers, he handed me something – it was a goodbye thing he wrote to me. it was just a few pages maybe, it was artsy. there was crayon or pencil used maybe. I didn’t know until I read it, that THAT DAY he was leaving forever, moving from NJ to California, permanently. He wrote me stuff that was definitely not sappy, but also definitely something that told me I was special to him, in his own not-very-wordy (but actually very wordy for him), scribbly, boyish, _______ kind of way. I can’t remember exactly what he wrote, but it included some recounting of our adventures involving work. In the dream I felt sad, finding out so suddenly he wouldn’t be here anymore- I think he purposely didn’t tell me until the last minute for some reason. But it also felt sweet that he remembered me, making sure to give me that before he left. In the dream I thought, “It’s for the best…I’m married, about to have a baby, and he’s so young and has his whole life ahead of him. This is what should happen. This is absolutely the best thing – the most natural thing.” I wished with all my heart that he would find a girl he totally loved, and was even going to tell him to let me know when that happened—I knew it would happen—but I don’t know if I got to tell him—he might have left right after he gave me the goodbye so that I couldn’t find him or talk to him. When I woke up I realized, slowly…it all wasn’t real. I was a little relieved when I realized it. Later at the morning meeting this morning, on Zoom, he was there. I looked at his familiar face and smiled and was grateful….i was glad that….even though…. with the pandemic and everything, even though i don’t see him in person or talk to him anymore and we can’t have our funny encounters out there anymore, I was really glad that at least he was still local, close by, for now. (I feel like this dream was a manifestation of a big fear I have that with the baby coming, my romantic, spontaneous, wild days are over, because I majorly associate ________ with these things.)
3/3/21
the past few days, seems like I can fit less in my stomach when I eat. I had been eating several things at once the past weeks: I could eat like spaghetti & meatballs + bread + soup + a dessert, but lately, I can only fit the spaghetti and meatballs + bread, and then I’m full. Maybe the baby is taking up more of my stomach room? I feel like I’m still eating a lot, but maybe more spread out across more meals/snacks a day.
3/5/21
maybe a name will come to me during the birth, and also maybe I could use thinking up a name as something to distract me during the birth (since we can’t seem to decide on any names we love yet).
3/6/21
tonight while taking a shower, just realized this (but it seems such a fantastic/unbelievable thing to just know, that I’m not going to tell anyone): it’s a hairy boy, the baby. And his birth will be no trouble.
today boo said it looks like I have thunder thighs now. I replied “I always had thunder thighs.”
since first trimester had been feeling compelled to slouch, and I didn’t know why, and was (and still) trying to correct it/stand up straight when I notice. But tonight just kind of realized why, with stomach getting bigger…I was standing in front of mirror naked and slouched (it felt natural) and it seemed to center my center of gravity more, with my growing belly- everything seemed to line up better. So idk. I don’t want to be walking around slouching, even if it does somehow feel more comfortable and help my center of gravity.
i feel like it’s up from 25% now – that 50% of my brain energy these days is taken up by what I want to eat next. Just daydreaming about all the possibilities, it’s enjoyable to me as eating almost. I’ve never thought about food so much before.
Marriage Journal 