1/4/21
As an American citizen, not getting the stimulus money just because I married a Brazilian citizen…is romantic, in a way. It feels like it’s just us. Like it’s just him and me in this—that no one else, not even my own country where I was born and raised and lived all my life— has our backs. It makes me feel more loyal to him, and more creative regarding us. It makes me want to work harder wherever i am. Like we two + God have to make this work, because we’re not supported by any outside institution. It makes me feel firmer than ever in my decision that I want him and choose him, no matter what: I would never let a secondary thing like want of money make me doubt. i don’t feel punished or left out; I feel blessed by this divine handout of extra strength and insight. Thank you for this blessing and this gift of strength. Thank you for my husband and my life.
Even though I’m on day 39 of my cycle, I didn’t truly suspect I was pregnant (looked back on cum-inside sex times and they didn’t seem to correspond at all with fertile period, and also started new diet that was kind of never-done-before at the beginning of this cycle with all the fish and fish eggs and cod liver and stuff, so figured that was a big factor in cycle length change) until this morning when I felt the need to have a vinegar taste in my food before I ate.
1/5/21
I’m vacillating these past two days between being totally sure I’m not pregnant, to being totally sure I am. Today is Day 40. Basically, looking at the BBT chart- the times we had sex, it seems fucking impossible that I’m pregnant. But checking in with how I feel- how I’m eating- it seems likely. Today is second day I wanted and put lime/sour taste on my food before eating it in the morning.
I was thinking tonight of the fortune I got from Chef Chan’s last week or the week before when we got takeout that said “a new friend will help you break out of an old routine.” I kept it when I got it, I just liked it. But just realized, maybe it’s the baby that’s coming who is the friend. lol
1/7/21
realized today that I am happiest when I have no appointments—even “good” appointments like picking up food that I ordered—and just have time all to myself, to read as much as I like. That’s my favorite. : )
I was thinking it would be nice if you could go all through the process of pregnancy and feel how it WOULD feel, and not actually be pregnant- and THEN decide if you want to. That would be nice.
1/9/21
revel in the uncertainty. glory in your tribulations.
(44 days since last period, just waiting it out, don’t want to spend $ on a test/don’t want to know so suddenly like that) I was thinking last night in bed…I think I’m a lot more interested in seeing how far my body can go, with pregnancy. Like seeing what it can do, what it’s capable of. But the end result – a child to take care of – overwhelms me and feels like a big potential burden. To make decisions for another person (will they be good decisions?). Like I’m looking forward to being pregnant, but I’m not looking forward to the thing you get at the end of being pregnant. And then I realized that’s selfish- to just be curious about…the experience of pregnancy, but not want to take care of the baby. But then I think – once we’ve bonded for nine months with her inside me, and then I was THE gateway for her from the spirit world to here…wouldn’t I love her with all my heart? Wouldn’t it change me?
third day (though not in a row) that I noticed I *needed* sour taste in my food to be able to enjoy it – poured sauerkraut juice into my mung bean + fish soup today.
Marriage Journal 