12/4/20—the other night (mon or tues?) R called me last minute to see if I wanted to go to like Pottstown or somewhere 1 1/2 hrs away with him to get the cap for his truck, I said yes right away because I like going on trips with him and also I wanted to help him do something that was important to him (his truck) and also spend time with him (he would be gone for so long if he went by himself) and also I didn’t want him to go by himself and be lonely. It was fun. After we’d been driving for like an hour, with 33 min. left on the GPS, he was like, “I hope I typed in the right address.” I laughed and was like, “I guess we’ll find out in 33 minutes” because I didn’t really care where we were going, as long as I was with him. the route reminded us of the trip we just took to Gillett PA for his bday—there were some stretches of farmland and some cows and it started looking “middle of nowhere” by the time we got to the guy’s place. R got his truck cap for free (found the guy on Craigslist) and the guy was nice and helped us put it on when he saw I had to put it down like 1 second after I helped R pick it up cause it was too heavy for me. I’m sorry to keep repeating myself but…I could stare at R forever.
Last night, R came home and saw his clamps had been delivered from Amazon, he wanted to go out right away before taking a shower to clamp down his cap to his truck bed so I went out to help him (mostly because I needed to get out of the apt since I’d been inside all day, but also bc I wanted to spend time w him and help him). Again, like a few nights ago…I couldn’t stop staring at his face. while he worked. I think if I was a more…rational/logical/ideal person, I would ideally try to understand exactly what he was doing w the clamps and see if I could help him/anticipate his needs while he worked, because it seemed he was doing a lot of work with the clamps and tools and it was dark and cold out and maybe I could have done something to speed things along instead of just sit there the whole time. And I did try to do that- figure out what he was doing- but it was only like a few seconds and then I got distracted cause most of the time, I just couldn’t help staring and staring at him. At his face while he worked. staring at his body as he walks, as he moves.
This morning getting dressed, I didn’t feel like physically wearing the weight of all my rings on my hands (I have this promise ring I made for myself leading up to the wedding that I wear on my right hand, and then the engagement + wedding ring that R gave me I wear on my left) – usually I wear all three together but today I just felt like wearing “his” rings – the two on my left, but not the other one. So I did, leaving mine in the glass dish. And then I thought… like… sometimes when my promise/resolve is weak…I have his promise still, for strength. And when his promise/resolve is weak… my promise can be strong, and in this way…we’ll never fail each other. We’ll always…make up for what the other lacks. A thought like this entered my mind, and I felt it to be true. Like we don’t have to be 100 percent all the time strong if we can’t, because we have the other one.
12/1/20— we were all the perpetrators. it wasn’t just a single person, a few individuals. (thought while listening to audiobook Freedom is a Constant Struggle by Angela Y. Davis)
Marriage Journal 