10/9/20— a reaction from R I really liked today, that I didn’t expect—I’m planning his bday trip and it kind of disappointed me that it’s so far (like 4 hrs to get to the place) but the place looks nice, so I booked it for us for his bday weekend. I asked him today, “would you mind driving 4 hours for your birthday trip?” and before he even said anything, his face lit up, hehe. And then he said, “Wow! no! I don’t mind!” so I could tell he really didn’t seem to mind, lol. I was glad, at least that makes one of us.
10/12/20— A Chinese superstition mom taught us when growing up was to fear the number 4 because the Chinese word for 4 sounds like the Chinese word for death. While looking at houses we like lately, have been hit again and again with this number in different forms (463 Cove, 49 Watson, 13 Bucknell, and most recently today, 4 Silver Lake Dr.) and i noticed it bothering me a little. So in trying to reconcile myself with the number 4, came up with these meditations: 1) orgasms are referred to in French as “a little death” so our house could be a house of continual orgasms! 2) I think you should not fear physical death. there are worse things in life than physical death, I think. 3) you can’t be a creative person and grow spiritually/personally unless you are continually dying to old ways of thinking and the person you once were. You have to be willing and able to continually die in this way, to let go of things in this way, always. it’s the road to becoming more beautiful, more perfect. 4) And death is the ultimate letting go, isn’t it? It’s letting go of all you thought you owned: your own body, your own life. So to fully choose to live in a house that’s numbered 4 is like being unafraid to face the ultimate in letting go. It will be a house of stark bravery and foundational truths. It could be the house of many orgasms as well as a house that accepts all forms of death as a vital part of the life cycle towards beauty.
I realized something this morning- idk what exactly made me realize it, but me and R just had sex the past 3 days in a row and I was just walking around the house by myself in the morning getting ready for work and thinking—and for me, it’s kind of a big-deal realization. I realized that like, I think I could go the rest of my life with R, and not have sex with him, and be happy. I never thought, with me being such a sex-focused person, that…I would say that—I thought that sex was like, ESSENTIAL in a relationship, to me. It was, when we were dating, definitely I think essential to me. But I think that like…even though it’s great, like…it really does not take up most of our time. Most of our time together is just being in the same room with each other interacting, and I realized THAT’S what I love most, just being with him- eating, watching movies, talking, laughing, discussing, squeezing each other’s toes. Even solving problems – I like how he solves problems. Like, all that is enough for me, is what I’m saying. And it’s not like my sex drive has gone down or anything—we just fucked the last three days and my eyes were rolling back in joyous pleasure each time and I feel like I initiated it like 2 out of the 3 times, and I still desire him as much as ever, my face is still like magnetically drawn to his penis, I’m still thinking of ways to be sexy and beautiful and desirable to him and all that. It’s just…idk. It’s just that maybe I love him—all of him, I realize. That’s all. I just never thought I would say that about sex—that I could do without it and still be happy. But I think it’s true. For me, now. And even as I say it, I’m realizing that…that’s kind of how it should be. Because if your happiness is dependent on sex, then…your happiness is conditional.
10/16/20— “blessed are the flexible, cause they’re never bent out of shape.” – Dr. Andrew Holecek
Marriage Journal 