dreams and prayers

8/24/20

dream last night: I was with RHA at work, and Austin came up to us to ask us something. And both RHA and Austin asked me something at the same time—I think RHA asked her question a little before Austin though, and she was the closer one to me, and it was the right thing to do, so I answered her first, and this happened like two times. And in the dream I was acutely aware by taking that time to answer her, there was a bunch of things I couldn’t say to Austin that I wanted to say to him. and felt a little frustrated about that, but…I feel like I still did the right thing- the best thing – the not-rude thing.

8/27/20

Called Kenosha police non-emergency line: Someone real answered. I told them I’m requesting that the officer who shot Jacob Blake be fired. He said ok, basically. His tone was cool and nonchalant. I asked if it would be recorded that I called. He answered, “All calls are recorded.” I said ok thank you and we said bye and hung up. It felt like a 10-second exchange. But I was nervous to call because I never did anything like that before. While the line was ringing at first, I kept trying to multi-task with little side projects, to distract myself.

Last night I was saying the prayer that I say every night when I’m cuddling R (may every good thing in heaven and earth come to live in his life so that he’s the most blessed man in the world. and no matter what happens, no matter what he ever does, let me never fail him) but then it occurred to me while I was saying it that I’m always there anyway, so might as well include myself. So the prayer changed to this: May every good thing in heaven and earth come to live in our lives, so that we’re the most blessed couple in the world. And no matter what happens to us- no matter what he ever does to me, let me never fail him. (The latter half stayed the same because I know I can’t control his actions, only mine.) It felt good to include myself in the prayer (it’s been a few months straight I was praying the other thing), and I think R would want me to pray for us, maybe more than praying for just him alone.