6/29/20
started thinking this while driving home (alone back from parents’ house yesterday): that for all the energy and effort and scheming that “bad” people do (racist angry ppl, white power ppl, selfish heads of big corporations like Turbo Tax, POTUS, etc.)…I don’t – put forth equal or greater effort to counteract them in any way. Like to AT LEAST match their anger with my patience, to match their scheming with my own, to match their hate with love. I was realizing that I’m kind of passive. Like, they can’t and shouldn’t be the only ones trying really hard here. In the world, in society. I have to contribute something- my best, ideally. There has to be AT LEAST a balance in the world, if not more good. Not to say that I am Good and they are Bad. Just that- if there are going to be this many angry hateful ppl like I’ve been seeing in the news – that I must at least match this negative energy with an equal amount of calm and patience and kindness and understanding. Like we can’t all go off the anger cliff. I think it’s ok for some people, who really want to, to go off the anger cliff. But I think we all can’t go, because it’s a cliff with a fatally-high fall. I think just as much as anger and power-hoarding is an everyday constant practice that seems like it will never be extinguished, that active love, active kindness, active honesty with oneself and others- all this good shit—is too in itself a PRACTICE, meaning that you have to do it constantly, constantly, every day and all the time to become seasoned and good at it, so it becomes natural to you. Your natural reaction to everything. You have to consciously definitely choose it- or else you are just being passive to the whims and moods of society and you’ll be swept away by whatever they’re feeling at the moment.
7/1/20
I felt something weird the other day. me and R were sitting together on the couch, I forget what we were doing. Probably just like stream of consciousness talking at the end of the day like we usually do. But I got this feeling. It was like: like I could see the end of our lives, that we HAD already lived a beautiful life together – we lived it until the end and now- like right then on that day…we were on some kind of path BACK to where we had already been- the end, which was light, heavenly. Idk. it was just this feeling that definitely passed over me. and hard to explain, but it felt really nice. Like the whole reason for moving forward in life, in my particular life now, is to…get to know someone who I already know. Already knew. Like that was my whole journey – discovering him and our life together, even though some version of me had already discovered it. Physically, my body is not there yet—has not yet come to the end—but somewhere else, I know him, I have lived in bliss with him for a lifetime. So weird.
7/2/20
thought I just had (about 3:10 pm): you don’t have to be fearless or devoid of fear. You just have to be a little less afraid than everyone else. That’s all—just a little less.
7/3/20
What must it be like for all your waking life, to always feel that when walking in public, people are saying no to your body- your very body- silently, when they look at you. To never have a feeling being in the American public that anyone is saying “yes“ to your body, your very existence. how might that affect you psychologically, mentally, physically?
how must it feel – to feel all eyes on you when walking through suburbs/city, or waiting at the station, or shopping in a grocery store, and all the time, the stares are saying “no”? Like no, you don’t exist or shouldn’t exist or don’t have worth here. What kind of impact must that have on you, over a lifetime, over generations? I never thought about all this until the BLM Movement.
Marriage Journal 